rain collector

2009-06-26T09:24:00.003+08:00

I think i ate something wrong in JB and was diarrhoea-ing the whole of yesterday. Which explains why i was practically worming my way to cityhall for dnd meeting and worming my way back cause i felt so weak and lack of energy.

Thankfully, i'm ok now. Yay! Just want to add, my immune system sucks...

And i've watched Transformers 2. Abit of a let down... The plot and ending was expected. Plus, some parts were yawn-inducing. Thankfully, there's Megan Fox to salvage the day by just looking hot and kissable. Her lips are so sexy can...

I think i might have landed myself into some trouble... Para needs to look for a partner emcee for dnd and i told him if he can't look for suitable partner, then i'll consider. He replied saying... he doesn't have many candidates to consider anyway. Hmm... ...

2009-06-23T16:28:00.002+08:00

Wake up, read newspapers, doodle, watch tv, play Sims 3, eat, use computer, eat, go for a walk, watch tv, sleep.

Haha! My life has became so predictable and i actually don't mind the slightest bit. It beats going to school feeling so unhappy, pent up and exhausted all the time. Once again, these serve to convince that i'm really a 宅女. MUAHAHAH!

In Sims, i like to create dysfunctional family. A female teenager, a small boy and an old granny but no parents.

i don't like you and you and your nonsense that borders on brainless. Your selfishness and indifference to your parents. Your arrogance and your dependence. Becareful i'll treat you like how you treat your parents.

i drew on the shoes!!

2009-06-21T10:49:00.004+08:00

I woke up feeling all so arty-farty. So i decided to doodle on a pair of plain white canvas shoes for my cousin, Eunice. TADAH!!

I got the inspiration from a wrapping paper which Nga gave it to me. HAHAHA!!!

I like the design so much that i'm going to do a similar one for my own plain white pair of cavas shoes. But i need to go bras basah soon to get the art materials first.

2009-06-20T00:05:00.001+08:00

2nd person has asked me whether i'm celebrating fathers' day.

I may appear callous for saying this but ...

i don't celebrate fathers' day...

2009-06-19T22:44:00.002+08:00

Met up with my primary school friend-Tan Lay Ling!!

It has been ages since we last met... :( well... that's what uni life does to you. It seems to sap up every minute of your life. That girl, is still full of nonsense man. It's great catching up with her and as usual, we are never lacking of topics to talk about.

I realised i seem to have a best friend from all levels. Primary sch-LayLing (all the childish things we did together). sec sch-mel. JC-chanchan. I should be thankful because in my life, i have three great buddies who can understand me and we hang out like peas in a pod.

I'm happy that the peacock had finally sung 唯一 to me. Peacock rocks! The peacock has elevated and evolved into a phoenix in my heart. (i'm like talking in code words and i wonder whether people can understand what i'm saying)

Today,an aunty asked me a question in malay. I told her i didn't understand but she asked me again. Gosh! does that mean i look like a malay??

The last time someone tried to converse with me in malay was in sec school. When i was dark and looked like a monkey.

2009-06-17T17:25:00.005+08:00

We were bored and decided to go pasir ris for cycling. But the weather looked ominous and we decided to bowl instead.

My bimbotic pink socks...

I wanted to pee and chanchan said i'm 'SB'

hazel: what's SB?

chanchan: small bladder

hazel: i thought you were calling me sexy bimbo.

chanchan: DOTZ.... -_-""

And she's calling me SB which stands for stupid bimbo...

We were playing halfway when our lanes got shut and maintenance was in progress

Chanchan, why so serious?

I have the qian bian look

LOOK AT CHANCHAN!! Hilarious can!

while i was talking, chanchan was busy snapping pics of me.

Hopefully to catch an unglam look of me..

Fair skin tone mode!

splitter!

unglam!

This is Mr Kiwi, who had bully my friend Mel.

This is called virtual 打小人...

I gave him a disgusting looking moustache and a pink gay tie.

Due to extreme violence, the clobbering process of Mr Kiwi, the virtual doll,

will not be shown...

This is MR KIWI again... lying in a pool of blood...

打小人成功！！！

Anybody want to 打小人, can look for me... haha!

2009-06-16T23:35:00.002+08:00

Suddenly, i have a list of things that i want to do. Some may sound silly though...

1) prowl the beach (changi) for hermit crab and other marine life (NOT fishes definitely)

2) go to a pub where there's decent music. Not the mambo dancing kind...

3) Go clarke quay and admire the night's view

4) Go museum

5) go sentosa

6) go pulau ubin

7) go for ice cream buffet

8) cheap and decent buffet

hahahaha! random...

Suddenly, i think my fear if fishes is pretty weird. I'm scared of fishes that are alive. But i love to eat fish. Hmm....

2009-06-16T00:14:00.002+08:00

Peter says 'i want it,' and he has it...

Hazel says 'i want it,' but she has to wait ages...

The disparity of life...

I wonder what's the use of being so secretive when everything's going to be revealed in the end anyway...

The person who is supposed to be kept in the dark, is in the dark. Not because she is oblivious to what's going on. It's because she chooses to remain... in the dark.

2009-06-15T11:23:00.001+08:00

You can have your own views but i am entitled to mine.

sarcasm rules!

Phew...

2009-06-14T15:18:00.002+08:00

Finally, i can heave a sigh of relief. This is because i'm more or less done with my parts for hall mag. I just need to input some more stuff which some people haven't sent to me yet, thus, i can't start doing.

However, i need to come up with more designs for cover page. I managed to design one and then... i was lost for inspirations. Haha! Although the designing cover page is not part of my jobscope but i think i better design some in case somebody's computer die on her or photoshop trial version expires. Sometimes, it's best to believe in yourself than others. haha!

Looking at STARS planner makes my blood boil. Timetable sucks big time. Was complaining to chan and mel about it. I only have one lecture on monday at 1030.
-_-" i'm so near a four days week. AND ON FRIDAY, i have one lecture in the morning at 830 to 1030. Followed by four hours break. Then i have two tutorials after that. WTF! Tutorials aren't ponnable. I can only bid goodbye to ntu and go back home for the weekend at 1630. *&%#%&()*%#!!!

Timetable sucks la... plus if i want to take business law, the lecture is on fri till 630? or 730 pm. ARGH!!!

2009-06-13T10:42:00.002+08:00

BS 201 Physiology

The lectures will cover mainstream topics in human physiology including nervous system, endocrine system, circulatory system, respiratory system, digestive system, urinary system, skeletal and muscular system and reproductive system. Emphasis will also be given to the concept of homeostasis and how the body systems work together to maintain a dynamic steady state within the internal environment.

my view: shld be interesting.

BS 202 Microbiology

general introduction to microbiology with a special focus on the impact microorganisms have in our life. The lectures will cover introduction to microbiology, microbial metabolism, microbial molecular biology and genetics, diversity of microbe, ecology and symbiosis, microbial diseases and their control, immunity to microorganisms, industrial application of microbiology.

My view: hai...

BS 203 Advanced cell biology

This course will further advance the learning of basic cell biology taught in Year 1 by covering in-depth the mechanisms of cellular development, cell signaling and cell-environmental interaction. The lectures will cover stem cell biology, cell receptor and signaling biology, extracellular matrix biology, apoptosis.

My view: bet is going to be another killing topic

BS 204 Experimental Molecular & Cell Biology

This course gives a comprehensive overview of methodologies and techniques in molecular and cell biology research. The lectures will start with the introduction to standard molecular tools and techniques such as restriction endonucleases, vectors, cloning, PCR, sequencing, mutagenesis, and libraries, followed by the applications of radio- and non-radiolabeled tracers. Students will also learn different protein expression systems, protein purification and detection methods, protein nucleic acids/protein interaction analyses and the application of cell and tissue cultures. Students will actively participate in quizzes, which will be held after a series of lectures.

My view: Look at the sentence in bold and i go... WTF!

BS 205 Biostatistics

This course gives an overview of the importance of biostatistics in the scientific design of experiments and in the objective collection, processing, analysis, interpretation and communication of scientific investigations in the life sciences. The lectures will cover descriptive statistics, data summary using statistical indices and diagrams, probability and probability distributions, confidence intervals, hypothesis-testing, basic tests of significance involving means, proportions, measurement of relationships between variables using correlation and regression and non-parametrics methods.

My view: HYPO TESTING HYPO TESTING HYPO TESTING! I seriously think this is the topic that i'll meet my fate and die.

BS821 Lab 3

HW102 The Art of Academic Writing

This course is designed to help science students with their academic writing. Style and Strategy: Using organization and style appropriate to scientific writing. Critical Review: Reading and responding critically to scientific texts. Analytical Writing: Explaining by means of extended definitions, process analysis, compare-contrast and/or cause-effect analysis. Academic Arguments: Learning the rhetoric of academic argument, its purpose, forms and structures of reasoning. Research Writing: Learning important research skills such as identifying research questions, gathering information and data, integrating and documenting information and reporting research findings. Revising and Editing: Ensuring clarity, coherence and correctness in writing.

My view: another crap mod.

I'm still thinking of taking another elective. Either business law or an art elective. Reason simply, i'm feeling suicidal and want to fill every inch of my time with endless mugging. OH GOSH! How i love mugging...

Ok... i'm so sarcastic that i hate myself for being so sarcastic. I want to clear my electives so that i can nua abit in my later years. Can't stand electives man. Can't the school supply more interesting, fun, un-stressful, non-examinable electives?

Mootood!

2009-06-12T21:58:00.008+08:00

My day started with me reading this hilarious email frm NTU's webmail account. NTU student union sent an email titled 'design poloshit competition'. sth along that line. i received two emails with the 'poloshit' title. It was only the third email did they finally realsed their mistake and changed it to 'poloshirt'. Mootood sia! But entertaining la!

Finally, i went shopping for my bday gift and immersed myself into the GSS mood. Haha! Barbie collectors
This barbie super chio

Pink and pretty!
I see a girl... relieving her childhood...

This panda's damn cute la...

it totally stared at me with those innocent soulful eyes, begging me

to take it home...

Our favourite cartoon character!

SEE!! who did i spot?

I bought a dress and top from forever 21, a skirt, hot pink and white tubes, white and grey cardigans and a chequered skirt which cost only 10 bucks from cotton on! haha! I seem to be in a chequered loving state.

It seems like i'm getting increasingly bimbotic. Huichan thinks so and Nga replied 'quite' when i asked him whether i'm really bimbotic. He quickly said no because he claimed i was pouting which all the more make me appear bimbotic. :(

Does this have anything to do with age?

Well... the shopping therapy's good! haven't been shopping for quite some time. Tomorrow, i shall pack my room. I promise.

Let me end off this post by saying, i'm happy and thankful for the retail therapy! :)

Let's proceed to an emo and angsty entry...

Sometimes, many times, i pity my mum for being the middlewoman. Somewhat like the oreo cream stuck between two oreo biscuits. I know she's in a difficult position and i try my best to be understanding towards her. I would deem myself as rather even tempered and undemanding towards her. I feigned innocence and never once did i complain or show how sad or deeply i've been hurt by her. I just wallow in self pity, perhaps hide in my room and cry but never in front of her because i don't want to agonise her.

i admit the words i say maybe leaning towards sarcasm. Not everyone can stomach. Abit rude. whatsoever but sometimes i just can't help it. She's bordering on being too much and someone needs to get the foot down to stop her. And the person is me although i'm also displeased which explains my sarcasm. Anyway, i'm human.

During dinner, my mum actually gave him the huge chunk of chicken drumstick plus the upper thigh meat. While we children, just stared. Ok... i don't qualify as a child anymore. I'm not exactly a fan of poultry or meat either. I like some veggies, tofu and fish! haha! That's not the point but my cousins were there. Shouldn't adults save the best for the children?

Sometimes, that's how overboard and brainless my mum can get. That's why i have to remind her that. This is why i feel i'm more mature than my mum at times. Honestly, i do feel tired of having to worry about her being cheated or plain worry about her. His and her selfishness just irritates me.

last time, when i was young, i felt that I'm forced to grow up too soon. But on the other hand, i'm good at 看人家脸色.

My Ahyi related this incident to me which occurred this afternoon. HE, said he wouldn't want lunch without luncheon meat. He needs to have meat as part of his diet. And he went fuming back to his room...Ah ma went to open some canned meat which he then added he didn't like.

OH MY FREAKING GOD! For goodness sake. We have fried egg, veggie and plain porridge for lunch most of the time. When the both of them are not at work. Frugality could be one reason. Another is my ahma also needs a break what!! Cooking something simple should suffice. Anyway, it's food still. Fancy behaving like a juvenile at his age. I'm not sure whether they really had luncheon meat after that hell.

Thankfully, i was not around. If not i would have supplied sarcasm.

When it comes to food, i'm never a fusspot. Because food is food. Plus, we're not the ones cooking. We'll never understand how tiring or tough it is to cook. Even if there's only plain porridge and veggies, i may complain but i won't not eat or throw tantrum.

This is because i will remind myself to be thankful for what i have on my plate.

This is the reason why i can't envision myself living under one roof with my mum in future. With my mum, comes an appendage. As cruel and heartless as it sounds, i can't stand living with them.

So i must study hard so that i can provide for my ahma,ahyi and two cousins in future. I'm not trying to glorify myself but we only have each other to depend on. The other two, not that i hate them but they irritate me all the way to my socks.

2009-06-11T11:05:00.005+08:00

Like posterised pictures!
They are actually... our flyer tickets

I think the bridge looks nice...

Flyer!!

GHOST!!

Me beside singapore's scenic night view

He's staring into the distance...

Stares somemore....

While i emo...

Went to JB yesterday. Ate at secret recipe. If you think that singapore's service is not up to standards, do try your luck by going across the causeway. The service is more horrendous. My cousin ordered aussie beefsteak and we were told there were none. But, the table beside ours got their beefsteak. And, we were served main dishes first before our soup. Bird brained. Really bird brained. They just ponked our soup on the table and left. No smiles, no greetings. A bunch of bird brainers.

I'm going to the flyer again because mummy has free tickets. haha! I'll try to curb my over enthusiasm and not sing when i come down from the flyer... hehe!

Have more pics but they are inappropriate to be uploaded. why? use your imagination... haha!

2009-06-09T18:33:00.002+08:00

The guys around me all have the same problem. They aren't providing for their family financially. Coupled with irresponsibility and indifference towards what's happening to their children, such men would soon discover that they reap what they sow. The world now is very realistic. Bringing up a child isn't as simple as it may seem. Besides providing the child with financial support, the parent is expected to see to the child's emotional needs. Be his/her friend/aunt agony.

Do people deserve a second chance?

How many times do we have to forgive the person before we should make an end to it?

Does it pay to be benevolent?

My aunt recounted her visit to jail to meet Z. Z said he is extremely remorseful for his actions. He hopes to make it up to his sons when he's out. My aunt believes he'll turn over a new leaf after this episode and painful lesson. He now faces rejection from his family.

Perhaps, i'm being overly cynical, sceptical and pessimistic. I doubt Z will change. If he is capable of turning over a new leaf, things didn't have to proceed to this stage. HE could have make amends a long time ago. He could have loved and cared for his sons a long time ago. i wish i could believe that people are capable of turning over a new leaf. On the other hand, i also subscribe to the view that a leopard doesn't change its spots. He was the one who ruin the things blessed to him. He failed to cherish his gems. Now, he has lost everything. To put it harshly, it is too late to make amends.

Closer at home, another similar incident is happening. Minus the jailing part though. The somewhat abandonment of children. Emotional detachment i would describe. One day, all these men will reap what they sow...

And they can't blame their children for that...

2009-06-09T16:27:00.002+08:00

I'm disappointed...

But i realised there's no point dwelling on the disappointment.

Life goes on.

I told my aunt never in my life would i choose to stay with my mum if one day our family were to split up. I rather hole up in a small flat with my ahyi rather than staying with her. Ahyi understands how i feel about a certain someone. Sometimes, i don't know whether i should pity myself or my parents.

My fornightly outings with dad are bombarded by 3 extra human beans. Sometimes, i wonder why on earth am i even there since i feel excluded as they are often speaking in cantonese.

From a long time ago, i knew that my parents do not solely belong to me. I must learn to share. Along came the lesson of acting blur, disinterest and mute. It's never my place to begin with anyway.

2009-06-08T00:09:00.002+08:00

Met Mel yesterday! Miss her loads! It's holidays now but we barely have time to meet. Finally, we had a chance to meet up for some chit chats and of course, to camwhore. Haha! No more dark, barely visible pictures anymore! haha! Mel, no matter what, i'll always be there for you. ( bold it so hopefully she can see... haha!)

Met songwei at suntec and since we were at suntec, we thought we must as well go to the flyer and use our free tickets. There was these two guys who went before us although they joined the queue later as compared to us because they paid for higher-priced tickets. That explains why they got to go first... haha! AND, here comes the bitchy part, they were entitled to the whole of one capsule. I think i exclaimed abit too loudly that they are so gay. WHICH IS TRUE WHAT?? don't u think they are gays as well? i fantasised about them making out in the capsule and i blurted out what i fantasised. Then i realised the capsule was all transparent and people could see which means they couldn;t make out and i totally didn't stop my mouth and i blurted what i thought out again. Freak! The assistant at the flyer could barely contain his amusement. He laughed/ um -chio-ed. *slaps myself* I must really learn how to control my damn mouth.

Up on the capsule where we were hundred metres above ground, i realised that singapore;s night view is pretty nice. I like night views. Just like i used to enjoy having my dad bringing us to mount faber and we get to look at the scenic night view of singapore as well as enjoy the cool breeze up on the 'mountain'. Miss those visits!
:( well... things change when you are all grown up...

And, dad forgot my bday present... well... nothing to say...

I was super high when we got down from the capsule. I suspect it was because of the experience of going up to higher altitude, whereby the air is thinner and the moment i touched the ground, my brain got over-enthusiastic with the higher supply of air. i sang for nga and i think he was embarrassed. That guy just doesn;t treasure man... Btw, i tried all sorts of methods to make him sing for me and he still refused. what a peacock man...

At a time like this, i'm craving for warm beancurd and youtiao. Haha!! I wonder how things will turn out when i'm pregnant. Even before i'm pregnant, i'm already having cravings...

2009-06-05T23:11:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to control my heart and not let it drift to somewhere that it's not supposed to... ...

Reign in...

Do people deserve a second chance?
I seriously do not have an answer...

My lifelong dream is to have my BOYFRIEND sing me the song 唯一 by Wang Lee hom. I told him to SING me the song. I didn't bother to hint this time. I just told him STRAIGHT IN THE FACE to sing for me. AND, HE REFUSED... by giving some lame excuse that the key very high...

Can anyone out there, with XY as the 23 rd pair of chromosomes sing me 唯一 by Wang Lee Hom???!!! i think i'll gladly marry you.

(ok... the last point... i'm just kidding)

2009-06-03T23:03:00.002+08:00

人生的过程,有得有失. 经商,有赚有赔.事业,有起有落.计划,有成有败.比赛,有胜有负.股票,有涨有跌.成绩,有高有低.地位,有上有下.

Just feel that this sentence reflects strongly about life. In general, life is full of ups and downs. Good and bad, come together.

In the end, i didn't take up the temperature screening job because my mum's strongly against it. She thinks it's dangerous and to a certain extent, her points are valid. Hopefully, i can find a weekend part time sales job plus the IT fair. Then weekdays i can spend my time tuitioning my cousins.

I went JB with my family and we watched terminator salvation. i like those action packed shows that do not involve my brain. Only need to sit there and gawk. LOL! Didn't like the parts whereby marcus wright's face got ripped and revealed his steel robot structure underneath the human's skin. Yucks. Pretty face should be kept intact what...

You know what...it turns out my cousin may not be getting married to the Australian anymore. Apparently, they knew each other online but haven't met each other before... And don't know what happened, out of the blue, they talked about marriage. If i'm not wrong, my cousin is near 30. Not some juvenile, immature, childish kid. There he goes on treating marriage like masak masak... *faints*

It's unfathomable how people just know that they are right for each other? The situation is made more complicated due to the fact that they hadn't met each other, not even once and marriage is in their considerations. I think even if i've been seeing someone for a period of time, i don't think i would even consider marriage. Not so soon, not so fast. Well... i was hoping perhaps i should just stay single for the rest of my life. haha! Maybe it's just me and all my over reactings.

and with the females in my house occasionally lamenting and complaining about the male species, marriage is definitely a subject worth lots of considerations...

I sense trouble brewing...

Hai... i long for a break at some island surrounded with spectacular beach.

2009-05-31T17:46:00.004+08:00

Haha! went for tjc's guitar concert yesterday! The moment i stepped into Tjc, the first thing which came into my mind was, i'm so old le... The days of being a tjcian seem so distant. I kind of miss the dirty green precipitate looking uniform. Sometimes, actually many times, i do wish to go back to the past. Perhaps due to the lack of maturity, i had lesser preoccupations. And, i miss the feeling of hanging out with my friends.

Well... i'm having a flu... this isn't good. i need to recover fast before wednesday. That's the day whereby my new job commerces.

Talking about my new job, i kind of dread working. I'm reluctant to give up my holidays to work. My long awaited holidays... for the sake of money and the thrill of witnessing my bank account increasing in amount, i shall push myself on...

ARGH!! i really want to nua.... really really don't feel like working... :(

i feel like doing something... but i have no idea what to do... during these two days... before my job starts... what should i do?? *think*

i'm fat...

2009-05-31T16:53:00.005+08:00

My bday cake number 1 Bday cake number 2
Bday cake number 3

Bday cake number 4: got doraemon on it somemore

Bday cake number 5

Now, you will know why i said i'm going to get fat or i'm already fat... LAUGH!!

I'm thankful to those who had made my wishes come true as well as those who had wished me a blissful bday. *touched*

It's almost surreal that i'm 20. OMG!! i'm 2o!! This is so damn scary can!! NOOOOO!!! *tugs my hair*

AHEM! i think i have to start acting like a 20 year old girl...

我老了.... :(

how many times

2009-05-29T20:44:00.003+08:00

How many times have we neglected the people around us?

How many times have we turned a blind eye to loved ones who need help?

How many times have we tried to convince ourselves everything is fine when the truth is not?

How many times have we become so occupied with our own lives that we failed to show concern to our closed ones?

And how many times does the how many times... have to occur before we can wake up to our folly.

When i saw you cry, my heart pained as well...

You're not alone because we'll always be there for you...

To lighten things up, i look like dora the explorer now. If you do not know who dora is, go google. I was complaining to Mel but she told me dora is popular among girls and a lot of people buy dora stuff. didn't expect dora to be so popular.

It's all because of my hair la!! Even when i stare at my OWN reflection in the mirror, i feel like laughing... I always have hair-cut disaster... why is this so?

2009-05-28T11:44:00.003+08:00

Had been quite busy for the past few days. I was seldom at home. I've neglected my family... :( (ok... i'm being overly dramatic)

Guess what i found in the fridge just now? Swensen's ice cream cake. The weather's insanely hot and i wanted to eat ice cream when i saw ICE CREAM CAKE in the fridge. Muahaha!! So we hijacked the cake (the cake belongs to my uncle cause it was his bday ytd) and they used it as MY bday cake and sang bday song for me. LAUGHS!

Today's not my bday la. My mum's one actually. But since she's in Malaysia, the daughter shall stand in her place and celebrate for her. Muahaha!

There will be a slumber party tonight!! Yay!! it started off as a random sms to chan mali. i asked her to organise one without exactly meaning it. I was being random. And she went to relay the message to the rest and poof! we're going to have a slumber party tonight. Imagine 6 girls, talking and gossiping throughout the night. We're going to talk crazy insane stuff once we run out of stuff to say. haha!

Spent the past few days wandering aimlessly at raffles place. People watched and people watched me. Imagine how my life would be in future... Life is so boring... (fizzles) Better enjoy as much as i can before i embark on my new job next wk. Sian...

2009-05-24T10:36:00.005+08:00

Photoshop is fun!! haha!

Poorly exposed picture

Managed to brighten it up and at the same time makes me look like i'm glowing...

Combination of different hues and saturations.

Can you see it?? LOL!!

I think my hair sucks but i have no idea what to do with it. Cut it? But it's so boring to cut it short everytime right? Have no idea what to do.

Should i wear that black dress out later? I'm in a girly gilly mode. Blame it on... erm... nothing to blame la except for my own vanity. LOL! Haha!

I smsed chan chan to tell her to organise a slumber party and invite me. Haha!! Random.

2009-05-23T17:33:00.002+08:00

This is going to be a boring entry... ...

It's mundane because i'm going to talk about my current job stint and results. haha! The two most boring subjects in this whole wide world.

I'm working at shenton way and my job stint only lasts for 3 days. Monday will be my last day at work. I was required to wear office wear-high waisted tight fitting skirt. Can't walk in big steps or attempt to leap from the bus. High waisted skirt makes my tummy itch because it constantly rubs against the sensitive skin of my tummy. :( I have the obligations to not reveal my job nature. However, to sum up, my job is really full of sai kangs. I have to edit articles or come up with things for the website. AND, my boss has pretty high expectations. The editing doesn't just merely involve grammatical error, vocab mistakes, punctuations etc. My boss required me to input my own ideas, research to provide examples to substantiate the points, edit edit edit. Sighs... And there are other things etc etc which i shan't reveal because i think it's quite erm... negative.

Yesterday, i was required to stay back to help her with some stuff. I left the workplace at 7 pm and to my horrors, the MRT was packed like shit. I had to watch 2 trains travelled past me with tears brimming in my eyes (ok... a gross exaggeration). I loathe commuting. But, she bought ben and jerry's for her staff including me when she went for lunch break. So i shall be more forgiving about it?

Well... i have found another job through the recommendation of my friend. I'm going to work at the airport as a thermal screener. 12 hrs shift work. It's going to be tiring but no choice la... i need the money. Looking on the bright side, i can people watch, stone and the job doesn't require brain power. So i can continue working while my brain goes into static or slumber mode. Who knows, maybe i can get to see cute angmohs... HAHAHA!! *winks winks*

Ok... switch topic. Although my results weren't very fantastic but the point worth being happy about is i've improved. Which is an achievement considering how hard i've worked. I'm contented with the results.

During the coming sem, i shall work harder and aim for higher grades. Must aim higher so that i have a goal to work for. In the sense, it'll make life more meaningful.

On the other hand, i have to cut down on my emo nonsense. I reckon it'll be hard. I'll still get emo no matter what.

I realise i haven't been to a slumber party before. I was hinting someone to organise a slumber party last night. Haha! I just thought it'll be fun to have a slumber party whereby we can talk all night or watch scary movies and cringe under the blankets together. Haha! Just a random thought.

be responsible for ur child

2009-05-20T14:39:00.003+08:00

Lesson for today, once you have a child, you ARE responsible for him/her.

A man quit his job and he doesn't have any back up plans. His reason for quitting was job was too tough. So job, no income, how to support his children. Wife said if he doesn't contribute a single cent, their marriage is over. She will unceremoniously send a divorce letter to him.

Wife felt there isn't any point continuing on with the marriage anyway. Since the man has supplemented money just enough for his family to get by only because his wife scrimped and saved. He did not provide them with a proper roof over their heads and the family has to stay in people's home and 看脸色.

The point is, once you have children, you aren't living for yourself anymore. Even though your job is tough, you can't just quit without having any back up plans for your future. You need to spare a thought for your children. your actions will all have significant repercussions on your children...

The wife said she barely has enough money left to let her children have tuition. Even though her son didn't do well, there's nothing she can do because she simply can't afford ...

I cried... because i can feel her anguish and helplessness. A broken promise, a hurtful lie. That's all it takes to break down a marriage. The question of whether love lasts and promises hold, the truth is, i don't know.

2009-05-19T16:42:00.002+08:00

When i say i have big mouth, i literally mean i have big mouth. Haha! Since i know how to enlarge my mouth using photoshop, next up will be to learn how to enlarge my boobs... HAHAHA!

I applied for relief teaching through the MOE website today. I think the chances of me getting to relief is pretty low since school holidays is coming soon. Even if i do get to relief, it'll only last for one month-July.

But it's worth a try since i'm considering to be a teacher. One month is a good enough duration to test my mettle whether i'm up to be a teacher. Haha!! In the meantime, cross my fingers.

I'm cramping!!! ARGH!! It's holidays now leh. i'm sleeping and eating well. I shouldn't be cramping. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?? Pain pain pain... The sad thing is i need to go back to NTU later for meeting. :( hope the pain doesn't worsen. *prays*

2009-05-17T22:32:00.004+08:00

Met up with some of the Lim family. i was told that my cousin is planning to get married, earlier than his older brother. It was a sudden thing. The first thing that came to my mind was 'shotgun'. Muahaha!! Sterotyping people again. He's going to get married to an Australian. We tried asking my uncle whether the girl's angmoh but i suspect he was on the high.

we: is she an angmoh?
uncle: australian
we: so angmoh la?
uncle: australian

You know australian can come in different forms. Our question is whether she's caucasian. ANG MOH! she can be australian born chinese or the aborigines of australia what... See what alcohol does to your brain. it detroys your nerve cells and retards you.

so, i'll be attending two weddings in one year. Haha!

and i saw fireworks at marina bay today! Cool!

Somebody said something which made me quite uncomfortable. she said something like 'we're ok with whatever things you order as long as you pay the bills '. i think they are leeching. Well... i pity my dad for having to live under one roof with four women. But what can i do? it's his choice what...

i guess i'm uncomfortable with the idea of my dad financially supporting people other than me. Is it a form of jealousy?

guess it's time to reinforce my position. I don't expect much from my parents. Sometimes i do pity them. They are sandwiched between me and their spouses. Therefore i have no heart to further worsen the situation.And i pity us for behaving like strangers although they are the reasons why i came to this earth. See the irony? They don't really know what's up in my life and neither do i make the initiative to tell them nor do they take the initiative to ask.

Here comes the cruel part... as long as they are supporting me financially, i'm alright with it. But, this is reality. I can survive without their care or love (not that they don't love me, just not enough or it's being over-ridden) but i can't survive without their money.

Like the other time i went back to hall to pack my stuff home. While i was returning keys to the hall's office, my mum and husband went to wait for me in the canteen. At first i wanted to treat them to drinks to show my gratitude for their help but they had already ordered drinks and food . (they didn't order for me) My mum asked whether i wanted anything after that but i pretended i wasn't hungry. The truth is, i was a tinge angry. i still think it's true like which parent wouldn't ask their children what they want to eat first before ordering right? But i was honestly sick of hall canteen's food that time as well. So i didn't feel like eating. Well...

That's how my parents are. It's either i accept it or i hate them.

And i choose to 看开点吧...

as long as i love myself more. And be contented with the love i receive.

and oh... i'm not exactly emo cause i've accept it long ago.

2009-05-16T19:49:00.002+08:00

I Love this song!! :)))) Thanks chan chan!

You know what, results will be out soon. Like darn soon. 22nd may. LOUD SIGH!!!!

2009-05-14T23:17:00.003+08:00

Hazel should refrain from sleeping right after she has eaten. For a couple of days, i was woken up due to my growling stomach. My stomach ordered me to wake up, brush my teeth, eat breakfast and after that, lethargy set in once again. Obviously, i went back to bed. Such behaviour should be condemned because it's fatteningly unhealthy.

My legs nearly gave way today. i walked a lot! haha! Eunice (my cousin) wanted to go out and so i accompanied her. We went to bugis and our first stop was bugis street. She wanted to take a look at haji lane and so i brought her there which was quite a distance from bugis. Haji lane has quite a few innovative and interesting shops. It's a pity we didn't bring our cameras along. After that, we walked back to bugis and eunice wanted to tour the new shopping mall- Iluma? We went to kfc to rest our legs for a while before walking to bras basah. we combed the entire building because i was searching for some art materials and she wanted to purchase guitar scores. On our way back to bugis mrt, we stopped at national library cause i had to answer nature's call. HAHAHA! we went to shop at bedok to buy our cheap white canvas shoes. Haha!

Action packed day man! But i like it!

i was just thinking... maybe in this world, true love does exist... (rarity maybe)

I've been to nga's house for a couple of times and observed the interactions between his dad and mum. Maybe because i don't get to see such affections in my daily life, that's why i observe things people wouldn't be bothered with... Affections between a husband and wife. The conclusion is, i think his parents are loving. It's in seemingly little things that they do, the genuine concern and care for each other.

Well... i think true love exists but will i have the chance to experience it so that it lasts for a lifetime?? that's another question to ponder...

I'm PMS-ing...

2009-05-13T22:32:00.002+08:00

i feel like a 黄脸婆.

my cousin scored pretty badly for his SA1 and i had no choice but to advocate the use of caning. well... generally, guys are more naughty, rebellious and immature. My cousin is a guy so i have no choice but to cane him to instil some discipline in him. remember how the old adage goes, 'spare the rod, spoil the child'.

And i never expect myself to have to cane someone. It makes me feel like a mother...

Even though i tell myself that i will not force my children to study or demand that they get good results. Now, it makes me doubt that i can live up to that promise. i don't think i can remain saint-like and not fret over my childrens' results or unfeeling if they score badly. Guess circumstances won't allow. we're living in a harsh society.

HAI....

2009-05-10T13:28:00.003+08:00

It seems that as one gets older, the problems one faces also increases simultaneously with age. Therefore, i don't look forward to getting older. I do not want the complications, the responsiblities, the intricacies, the bull shit associated with getting old. well... i have a lot of issues with regards to growing up, seriously.

On another note, i'm shamelessly lazing at home and super not proactive in looking for a job while my friends are panicking over having a job. i should bury myself man! for being such a shameless bummer. But... on the other hand, i just *clears throat* thought since it's holidays and holidays are meant to slack right? Of course it would be better if i can get a job and help supplement family's expenses but it seems like it's not exactly a pressing matter as long as i don't splurge and spend on exorbidant things, i should be able to get on fine. Plus, i have agreed to help guide my cousin in his schoolwork. And, i can also catch up with my readings and erm... perhaps obtain some enlightenments with regards to life.

Ok... see how shameless i am in making excuses for myself... Told you i deserved to be buried, alive.

While i'm learning some photoshop skills which explains the picture above. I'm amateur. Which explains the ordinary and nothing spectacular effect above. haha!! I'm learning still... learning still...

Happy mothers' day!!!

2009-05-05T22:01:00.009+08:00

Liberation for Huichan!!
And as usual, we head down to town for a feast!

We waited till it was three for the sakae buffet. We were both super famished by then...

salmon sashimi! yum!

EMO HUICHAN!

Hazel is a happy girl when she is well-fed and doesn;t have to go to school

OMG!! i managed to capture chan chan smiling gleefully!

ACT demure... :P

desserts!

strawberry smiles and lychee moshis

Not forgetting, both of us had two chawanmushis each!

Chawanmushis rock!!!! :)

We camwhored at FAR EAST!

while Waiting for someone's reply...

Supposed to act dao but i think i erm... um chio-ed.

as usual...

Now we really look dao!

Sleepy, moody, grumpy girls...

I think if my bf dares scream at me in public, i'll scream back.

If he dares push my hands away when i'm reaching out desperately for him, i think i would not forgive him that easily...

If he demands for breakup twice, i would go along with the demand. Because, i see no point in continuing when one has already screamed the ultimatum.

I'm not referring to my own relationship though... My bf still loves me very much. Haha! And... *blush* i still ... *Blush somemore* (THIS IS GOING TO BE SO ER XIN) i love my bf too!(ahhh!!! so er xin) We're happily in love with each other! (turning green and pukes) :P

well it's not my relationship to care... no point in me fretting over it...

You know how heaven or fate likes to play a mean trick. Lying to your friends will bring you karma! like serious! Just when you thought you had kept your friends shrouded in the lies you had spun, think twice. IT MAY NOT BE FOOLPROOF!

we bumped into our friend and realised she was lying to us. For what sake we don't know. What i know is, good friends shouldn;t lie to each other.

2009-05-04T14:57:00.003+08:00

Finally kinder surprise! oh... they have renamed it kinder joy, is back on the shelves again!! Long time no see pal!! You're supposed to use that plastic white thing as a spoon

to scoop the dee-lee-cious chocolate up...

When i was young, i LOVED kinder surprise. ( i still love them though) haha!! When you were young, you are easily intrigued by such stuff. I remember getting all hyped up over the toy inside. Wondering what it would be. Had fun assembling it. And i'll be unexplainably proud over a new addition to my kinder collection... haha!

I got to eat the chocolate but my toy was stolen by the guy below...

wordsearching...

spastic face

spastic face 2.

Haha!!! The novelty of having nothing to do everyday is wearing off... I feel bored cooped up at home. Nvm... i'm going out tomorrow!! Haha!!

Shall think of a hobby to pass time. But, i have no idea whatever past time there is...

You know what... i have this urge to go shopping. It feels like thousands of ants crawling all over me.... haha!! Is it a good thing or bad? LOL!!

2009-05-01T13:17:00.003+08:00

Muahaha!! i watched x men wolverine origins yesterday!! I like it!! HAHAHAHA!! i (heart) action packed movie! yay!!

I think i spent a rather large proportion of time looking at hot guys and their equally hot bods to match.

AND AND AND (sounding breathless) you know who's also in the show??

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

DANIEL HENNY!!!!!! as agent zero. although i seriously think the
name sounds super cheesy...
Well... his name in the show sounds pretty ominous...
which is pretty true because he died a tragic, gruesome, horrible death in the end.
well... perhaps not to tragic because he totally deserved it in the show...
but the sad thing to the audience was...
with his death,
we have one less eye candy to salivate over... :(

See!! he's really cute...

wah lao! look at his abs...

Ok... i should give credits to other actors as well. Just to be fair. Hugh jackman also looked hot in the show. high protein diet, work outs, 5 meals a day to maintain such a body... no easy feat. haha!

while i was rambling about daniel henney in the show, nga said he totally had no idea who's daniel henney. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT KNOW WHO'S DANIEL HENNEY?? Ok... nga's a guy... so he can be pardoned right? i don't want nga to be gay...

Oh god... i should keep my over-passionate feelings for daniel henney more discreet. In case... nga hides at one corner and sobs his eyes out... he feels like his heart has been stabbed a million times. His mind brimming with jealousy. I must be discreet, i must be discreet...

Anyway, it's time for me to get fit. Shall go jogging tonight. i need to shed my fats. No matter how much i love them, they have to go away still... I need to get fit so that H1N1 has lower chance of intruding upon my body.

Everyone, let's get fit!!

2009-04-30T18:41:00.002+08:00

initially, i felt a sense of loss after exams... but now, i'm relishing every moment of waking up and knowing i have nothing better to do... HAHAHAHA!! (tt's supposed to be an evil laughter)

i'm typing as softly as i can because my bf has concussed and currently floating in lala land... land of all the hot babes... LOL

well... i'm corroding my mind with tv everyday... haha!

but don't worry... i sense a job coming... i have to work to supplement my own expenses.

ok... i reached the brink. nth much to say... au revoir!

2009-04-28T20:33:00.002+08:00

Today marks the end of my freshmen year. Next sem, i'll be a stale senior. No longer fresh-ie anymore... :(

Had my last paper today... screwed it. I expected MCQs and it was only half an hr before exams that i overheard two biosci girls discussing about the format. 11 essay ens, choose 10 out of the 11. NO MCQs... I nearly choked to death upon hearing it... *faint* i smsed NSW to come claim my body at 1530.

Well.. shall not harp on it anymore. No point la... although exams are over, i seem to be lacking the sense of jubilance. You know... that kind of ecstatic feeling, so happy that you can feel confetti raining down on you. Ya... i'm stoned...

exams are over, i feel a teenie weenie bit sense of loss...

Nvm... i shall embark on a journey to search for myself... sounds weird right... i've totally screwed up my own emotions. i'm comparable to a leaking tap. or some emo weepy freak that goes tearing with slight provocation or worse still, no valid reason. haha!!

I have to work on preserving my sanity sia... any tips?

2009-04-27T20:16:00.001+08:00

my emotions are so volatile, i hate myself for being so weak...

Study girl!!

Less than 24 hours to go...

and that will mark the end of my year 1 in NTU...

STUDY!!! ARGH!!!

2009-04-26T10:52:00.002+08:00

Dear hazel,

you're supposed to be MUGGING now... and don't you think it's morally wrong to be slacking now... i'm so disappointed in you...

From,
ur evil twin

ok.... studying has reached a saturation point... I'm sick of studying... 3 more days but my butt's itching to escape... i'm a glob of oil... (no link but well...)

i've drafted up some stuff that i'm going to do during the 3 months' break:
-watch movies (the movie tix which i had won are begging me to use them)
-flyer! (free vouchers!)
-marina barrage (cos i haven't been there before)
-guitar ( i wanna learn new songs! )
-learn photoshop (so that i can photoshop all my fats away! :) )
-go holiday (somewhere near and affordable of cos)

the list is supposed to go on but i haven't thought of what's more to include yet. After tuesday, i'll start brainstorming...

Yesterday, during the night walk with my ahyi, she suddenly broached the topic of marriage with me. zzzz.... that's because i was hysterically blabbering to her that i'm going to be 20 soon! the number 2 is obnoxious. Makes me feel so old. 20 plus is like the time whereby people get married. i better treasure what's left of my teens. 20... *sobs* it sounds really old... :(

Well... i think my ah yi was abit off the tangent. i'm not trying to dismiss the fact that i won't get married blah blah blah... life is full of the unexpectancies. BUT, i'm still a varsity kid slogging my ass off leh!!

haha! my ahyi's so funny...

2009-04-25T10:55:00.002+08:00

I'm counting down... 4 more days to go... but it's such an excruciatingly long period of time. ROARRRR!!!! I just want it to be over SOON SOON SOON!!! so sick of mugging... AND i have a serious deficit of motivation. I should gun myself down really... last paper leh... what the hell are you doing hazel... Hang on!!!

4 more days ... 4 more days... thn i can party like siao!!!

4 more days 4 more days... just bear with it...

TCA cycle, gluconeogenesis, glycoxylate cycle, photosynthesis, glycolysis, oxidative phosphorylation are seriously killing me!!!! the biochemical pathways... *faint*

Looking at the bright side, i'm sleeping better these few days. with that, i'm happy! :)

2009-04-23T11:53:00.002+08:00

Finally, i managed to sleep last night. But it wasn't a smooth-sailing process . Had some troubles trying to sleep initially. I tossed and turned in bed, feeling damn frustrated and terrified that i could not sleep again. it went on for near 1.5 hrs. My aunty came in and massaged my back with medicated oil to alleviate my cough. Guess that eased the tension in me. I managed to doze off soon after that.

But i woke up in the middle of the night. The wind was blowing like mad. Massive strong wind!!! I closed my window cause my curtains were flapping like mad and irritated me. Had some trouble going back to sleep again but still i managed to sleep.

Guess it's true that i had been thinking too much. Too pent up, too troubled, too stressed that it has affected my sleep. Hazel, time to unwind...

2009-04-22T19:55:00.002+08:00

Even though i can't sleep for three consecutive nights.

I'm dead tired.

I'm coughing my lungs out.

I have diarrhoea everyday.

My health is basically screwed.

I'm still radiating with positivity... ...

For a brighter future, let's work hard!!

And thanks to mel for the lovely letter! Thanks for coming down to src in such a hot and dreadful weather just to show your concern.

Thanks chan chan too for listening to my grievances.

Big thank you to my family!!

AND!! Big thank you to my cute boyfriend!! Haha!! i know very mushy la... eee... ok... time to shave hor! you look haggard! not cute anymore. (trying to change topic)

I can do it as long as i believe in myself!!

2009-04-17T00:03:00.002+08:00

At times like these, how i wish i have a car. The temporal away from here so that i can find a remote spot, collapse into heaps and burst out crying... ...

Just now i prayed for the tears to come, now i pray for the tears to stop...

2009-04-16T20:46:00.003+08:00

I screwed up my hs808 yesterday and for today's french paper... well... i don't harbour high hopes for it...

I'm freaking pissed... and super duper sian... three papers down, three more to go... ARGH!!

My uterus lining refuses to lose its grip on my uterus and flow out. $%#!%@*^!!! I've been cramping and still, it refuses to gush out. I'm in a serious pms mode... Pooi!!

I have no idea what the above picture is for.... ARGH!!!!

Emo leh...

2009-04-15T20:57:00.002+08:00

2 papers down. 4 more to go... Seriously, i can't wait for 28th to come...

Bio paper was ok but the elective sucked. I ran out of things to write and was basically bull shitting my way through. And, it wasn't constructive bullshitting. It was just pure, unhybridised, undifferentiated bullshits.

Well whatever. Had a sleepless night last night. it's like something was weighing on me in my heart and to make matters worse, my tummy was churning the whole of last night. Diarrhoea-ed... Haix

I'm pretty tired now with my brain half shutdown, i think i should go bathe then sleep but i can't summon the strength to go bathe. Haha!!

ouch! stomach's cramping again. shall go bathe.

2009-04-13T23:23:00.004+08:00

Even though i've finished studying for my BS 108 and is only left with two more lectures for HS808, somehow, i still feel inadequately prepared and i'm feeling all panic-striken inside...

I'm terrified...

Have you seen a fly being tangled and stuck on the spider web. No matter how much it has tried to get itself dislodged from the web, it still cannot do so... Imagine how terrified the fly would be when he feels the first vibration created when the spider starts to trottle gingerly down the masterpiece work of web it had spun. Step by step, eyeing hungrily at the fly, snickering at it for being a dumbass trying to get itself freed to no avail.

Well... minus the drama intended. i can understand how the fly feels. Because i'm now the fly, examinations are the web and professors are the spiders.

i'm scared... ... ...

2009-04-12T14:27:00.002+08:00

Just chill... everything is going to be fine. Just repeat this like a mantra and you'll be influenced to believe that everything's going to be fine...

I need to relax... Chill buddy chill buddy!! (OMG!! i'm adressing myself as a friend...) This is a tell-tale sign of schizophrenia.

I dreamt that i forgot to bring my entry proof for exams... It was another panic-laden kind of dream... ARGH!!! I know entry proof is like so passe but well, i cant control the ongoings in my dream what...

FREAKY FREAKY FREAKY!! HAZEL, stop hyperventilating and get a grip on myself...

2009-04-09T01:28:00.003+08:00

Suddenly, this fear just arose... What if i don't improve this sem? Despite the fact that i've been working harder. I think the hard work accumulated from pri sch till jc also pales in comparioson to the effort i've put in.

Well, i was just thinking i wouldn't be able to bear it and there are two paths to take. 1) Go NIE or 2) quit school. If that really happens, i think the latter stands a higher chance because i can't bear the thought of spending my life in university again...

Then... the sad and cruel reality come crashing on me... what can i do after i quit school? what about the expectations on me?? Even though people are telling me to take it easy, don't stress, no high expectations on me. That doesn't mean they don't have expectations on me right... The disappointment in them although i know they'll feign nonchalance about it as long as i'm happy.

Sigh... i'm losing grip and i'm about to fall into a valley of darkness...

The harsh and cruel truth about reality...

2009-04-08T12:09:00.002+08:00

I was bored... so i ended doodling... I bet many people had fallen asleep on their pile of books and drooling over. I've doddled the modules that are examinable. The red menacing looking stuff are actually bacteria and virus. My exams dates are up too. And the crying girl, well... that's me...

Couldn't sleep last night because i was feeling hot all over. But the problem was when i removed the blankie, i felt cold. So in the end i ended sleeping at 2 plus near 3 after much tossing, frowning, turning, fidgeting, scratching... It was a frustrating night. I think the reason i was able to fall asleep in the end was because i ate flu tablet which induced the drowsiness...

I think i'm vexed. The reason i'm vexed could be attributed to stress... oh... i'm finally stressed...

F*** lab reports seriously... idiot idiot idiot...

Oh ya... when i'm stressed, i tend to be more vulgar... haha!

I'm really stressed...

2009-04-06T16:20:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, i feel that people around me are a test to my patience.

Well, the truth is, i'm not...

I'm just a selfish loathsome disgusting evil bitch...

2009-04-05T15:52:00.002+08:00

I'm depressed... even my body is giving way... haha!

I'm sick... Extreme fatigue sets in. yesterday's journey back home from Pulau NTU all the way back to my home was agonising... I had trouble staying awake. I fell asleep while standing and NSW can vow to that because he witnessed it. Droopy eyes... I knew i was going to fall sick because whenever i'm sick, i'll become a nua-ster and my body will kind of shut down and i'll fall asleep anywhere anytime. Hahahaha!!

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was tears of frustration because i was feeling damn uncomfortable. I was feeing hot and cold at the same time. GOSH!! Ok... i admit, it was pretty lame to cry because of that. So childish... *embarrassed*

AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! i have to start typing my resume and send it out. I need a holiday job!!!

2009-04-04T12:14:00.002+08:00

Humans have 23 haploid number of chromosomes.

Thus the number of possible gametes formed for each parent would be 2^23

Thus, couple would have 2^23 x 2^23 chance of different possible child.

The child that each couple has is 1 out of the approximately 70 trillion possible combinations... and you wonder why people don't appreciate their children...

It's one out of the 70 trillions for goodness sake.

Love and treasure your children!

Ok... random post...

2009-04-03T14:39:00.002+08:00

I had a bad dream last night...

I was in lecture and the lecturer said something ridiculous which i had to talk back. I said something sarcastic and some crude words which i can't remember now but i just have this feeling it sounded crude. Anyway, the lecturer flunked me for my exam...

OMG!! Is this some kind of divine interpretation?? Some kind of sign?? OMG!!! AHHH!!!!

In reality, if anyone does say anything ridiculous to me, i'll at most snigger inside but maintain a straight face still. I may not neccessarily score in the EQ department but i still have EQ k! And i can hold my tongue...

Scary dream...

2009-04-02T01:36:00.003+08:00

Just when i felt like crying... I knew i had to be strong, sniff back those tears and distract myself by doing stupid things like....

Just to divert the negativity somewhere else. And that's not all...

Just when the tears threatened to spring out, i popped sweets to stifle it. And i sang along to the music just to divert the attention...

Be strong be strong... sayang sayang.... hug myself...

Narcisistic... gosh....

2009-03-31T22:08:00.002+08:00

Was waiting for my roomie to get ready this morning and i picked up my book to read... Saw this quote 'Quitters never win, winners never quit'. Although, we have heard it many times, however, during the course, we would forget about it.

Trying my best to convince myself that it'll be fine. It'll be over soon. I'll emerge fine.

Push on no matter how tired i am... ...

Thankfully chan chan sent me classical musics because i hadn't been sleeping well these few days. To calm and sooth my soul before bed.

Oh god!! I'm in love with Asturias again! Don't think i'll ever reach that standard in my lifetime. Makes me miss guitar! :(

2009-03-30T11:13:00.005+08:00

All of a sudden, I'm stressed... Can't stomach the thought that exams are coming!! OH FREAK!! Freak out freak out freak out freak out...

Seriously contemplating whether i should just stay throughout the weekend because i think going home is quite a waste of time...

That's the problem when you have too much on your plate, you don't know what to choose... ...

Someone told me that i should just believe in myself and the power of money. I've always known that money is power even from a tender age. However, i do believe in some of my family members as well as a handful of friends. But generally, i do subscribe to the view that i should believe in myself and money. Haha!!

I'm carrying the expectations and working towards a brighter future!! Jiayou jiayou jiayou!!

2009-03-29T12:36:00.003+08:00

Like OMG i'm ranting to my blog!! My blog is ... (like what those psychological nuts/experts say) a channel for me to release my pent up frustrations. YARRR!! i'm pent up...

Blabba just smsed me saying we hadn't finished discussing our lab report the other time and was asking me whether we're discussing tomorrow when tomorrow's the deadline. I remember we did discuss vaguely the other time but because our results were wrong, we just KIV and whatever we want to put is up to our discretions la... It's like... HOW AM I GOING TO REPLY HER THAT YOU CAN JUST TRY DOING IT ON YOUR OWN??!! It's like commensensical what. You don't expect to waste everyone's time discussing when you're the only one who has no idea what to do. Sometimes i know, we have to help one another but it's like during discussions, sometimes she's the one who is in a loss... Because she didn't read lab manuals? Because she didn't read prior to the discussion? Because because because... ...

It's like so irritating can! Throw her into the cruel society, i bet she can't survive.

Or is it me being overly critical??

I've discovered i have low tolerance for such stuff. People like me should live in mountains and not in a civilisation.

That explains why i've sent my application for single room without much of a looking back...

Cruel i am. I know i know...

You can add 'stupid bitch' in your description of hazel.

2009-03-28T00:13:00.004+08:00

As much as i want to escape, i know i can't.

I want to shun away from things but a part of me knows i want to be there by their sides.

As much as i want to protect myself, i also want to share their pain.

I have my obligations to fulfill...

Exams are near the corner and i foresee stress is going to haunt me like again.

I'm a coward for running away from things but at the same time, i don't want to be a burden to the already tensed up feeling at home by being an emo stressed up crap.

OH SHUCKS??!! What should i do??

To return to a tensed up home or just stay throughout in hall till exams...

Maybe i should stay next week as a trial.

I do not wish to be a liability to anyone.

I can only be a liability to myself.

Dad called me just now. Said he's taking a break from work and is going to malaysia during the weekend. He asked me whether i want to go which obviously i can't.

Times like this ... i want to scream at him 'YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH NOW??'

But it's no use.

This is the harsh reality of life. Painful and cruel, yet no one can understand.

That's how detached we are... ...

2009-03-26T21:02:00.002+08:00

I think so too...

Pooi! I've screwed up both my quizzes today.
Pooi again!!

HAI HAI HAI HAI HAI HAI!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

Exams are freaking near!!

I can totally feel the clammy hands of exams reaching out for me...

Shit!!

Pooi again!

HAI HAI HAI HAI HAI HAI!!

2009-03-26T01:19:00.002+08:00

I'm craving ...i'm craving... i'm craving... for dim sum. Haha! Xiao long baos/ char siew bun, egg tarts...

ROAR!! I'm want dim sum!! T_T

Mummy suggested going to thailand during the holidays. YAY!! i can't wait to go!!

Once again, i shall shout, 'DIM SUM!!'

Bonne nuit!

2009-03-25T22:40:00.003+08:00

I have two quizzes tomorrow and you wonder what i'm doing here... blogging... haha!!

Pictures that are overdued... Sand-toe-Sar trip with the rest of qijiemeis... Me looking retarded as usual...

The classic pose my chan mali aka my clone

Imitate her...

Au revoir!

My lover!!

Inspired by bollywood show

Qijiemeis!!

I miss them... a lot a lot a lot. I miss the good old days in JC. During recess we'll go to the ulu spot beside the drinks stall and sit down there and talk. The chit chatting session perhaps played a remarkable role in helping me destress.

Sometimes, i very wish i can turn back in time and go back to the past... T_T

no no no i can't. All that i can do is to look back forlornly or dive into my archive of memories.

I know you aren't ok. How i wish i can go home and give you a hug. Don't do stupid things k! I love you!

Once again, i'm reminded that the only constant is change. Things don't usually stay the way as they are.

In the midst of all these, how do you expect me to find hope?

Alright, back to studies...

Slogan of the week: Be generous to Blabba.

Good begets good

It's just to gain good karma

2009-03-24T15:56:00.002+08:00

Often, i wonder what's going on in the adults' brains. Is it a trend? The older one gets, the wirings of the brain just advances back-wardly?

If you can't keep the vow of "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.", the answer is don't get married. Don't bring misery to yourself as well as others.

Many times i've learnt to forgive and forget. Many times i've been reminded of how i've been hurt. Many times i've tried to let go. Many times i've cried.

Although the hurt is gone, the scar remains. Looking at the scar is sufficient to jolt back memories of the pain.

I very much like to acknowledge that i'm alright and face the world bravely. But my bravado falters. The truth is, i'm hurt.

2009-03-22T13:08:00.002+08:00

I woke up today and somehow, i don't know how, i just know that a part of me had died... ...

You think that this kind of thing only happen in taiwanese soap dramas. No. It can actually be morphed into real-life scenario.

That happens when you're forced to grow up too soon. You can barely trace back the things you've missed.

I can only take comfort that i have people who understand. It means a lot to me.

The amount of tears shed is sufficient to fill up MacRitchie reservoir i guess.

Never in my life had i been so tired... that's because i've lost hope...

i'm just being fair...

2009-03-21T20:38:00.002+08:00

Well... yesterday was a tearful day. I woke up yesterday to study and suddenly all the, deadlines, presentation, lab reports just whammed into me and the tears just fell.

Coincidentally, huichan texted me and asked me whether i'm free to meet up for dinner. i actually considered not going home because i hate squeezing with the after work crowd while lugging my big bag of crap to be brought home. Perhaps it was telepathy! that triggered her to sms me and we met for dinner at JP. Thanks huichan!!

Nothing can escape from my family's eyes. They knew i wasn't right the moment i reached home. Aunty talked to me at night while i was 'watching' some thai horror movie. She told me of her problems and told me not to worry about her. She said sometimes one just has to be selfish in life and heck about what others' think or feel.

The truth is it's gnawing at me. It has made me realise how cruel life can be. The harsh reality that true love doesn't exist. Even if it does, the percentage is very low. So low that it's akin to be considered as a miracle. I don't think i can get married in future. Not after i've seen enough horror, tragic, unhappy marriages to last me for a lifetime.

Are you tired? if you tired and feel like quitting, the whole family will support you. We won't blame you. even if others criticise or laugh at you, your family will be there to pull you up, we won't abandon you.

That was the last things she said before my dam started to break. i'm tired... like seriously tired... of life and school in general. I am running in circles. There's no end, no terminal, no destination. My heart to some extent had been frozen, my soul sapped, my energy... it's obvious. I'm living a life slightly better than a zombie's.

Seriously, i'm contemplating calling it quits. But, i know, the obstinancy in me is holding me back. Thankfully, i'm obstinate.

i walked in the rain
and i took comfort in it.
as the rain streaked down my face,
it was as though heaven was crying with me.

sorry for pushing you away... i've lost my voice and a part of myself...

2009-03-20T09:14:00.004+08:00

How come i was never told that growing up is so difficult??

There are many stories and theories on teenage angst but not much on the transition from teenage to adulthood. A child being thrown into the adult's world. How overwhelming it will be...

How growing up is tough on me:
-i've become less happy, less cheerful, less optimistic. I see the world with either a pessismistic or overly realistic outlook. I'm sullen and preoccupied more often now.
-i keep thinking of somewhat philosophical things and sometimes, do get quite upset about it. I'm just thinking too far ahead.
-i'm easily tired over life. To explain from another point of view, i'm taking things for granted? That's why i get sick of life so easily because i haven't seen more shittier lives in this world. I'm just deluding and being a coward trying to escape from reality. I'm spoilt, pampered, weak for not being able to stand the toughness of life. Perhaps, i can't stomach adversities. People like me, if i were to be thrown into the cruel nature of life, would be auto-eliminated.
-i enjoy arguing with myself. I'll be thinking from pt a of view, pt b of view, pt c and so on. In the end i don't get any answer which adds on to my frustrations. To sum up, i'll be running in circles. For what and to where? what for?
-i've become a calculative, gloomy, sullen, selfish bitch
-i'm confused most of the time
-Maybe i care too much about 'happiness'. That's why it's making me unhappy. Regardless of whether it makes sense or not. I'm caught up with happiness so much so that i'm in an anguish when i'm not happy.
-sometimes, i feel i'm not selfish enough...
-i enjoy pushing people away from me. Wedging a barrier between me and others.
-my problems... nah! they are just too sophisticated to be explained... You know all the grown-up stuff.... yea...
-i don't trust people that i don't know well and neither do i trust myself.
-'insecurity' is my constant companion

growing up is so tiring... is it a late onset of teenage angst? (but i had before. The period of hating my parents... haha!)

i feel like letting go, i feel like breaking free, i feel like giving up...

i've sunk back into my cocoon again. Only i can break myself free...

2009-03-19T21:08:00.002+08:00

We all need a hug!!!

Met Mel last night! =) Had a good HTHT with her. We experimented and concluded that NIE's security guards are discriminative against couples. NSW and me were chased away from the exact same spot before. Yesterday, two security guards, one walked and the other biked past us but did not give us a second look. Mel said maybe the NIE has some protocol against couples loithering at NIE till too late. LIKE HELLO!! it was so darn open. Like everyone can see if i do any hanky panky stuff... (NOT THAT I WANT TO DO) but i just feel abit unhappy that the security guard chased me away!! Boo You!!

Sometimes we're just forced to grow up early. But, our happiness is in our own hands. So we must thrive to find happiness k. No matter how elusive it may be, we must not give up! Love you Mel!! :)

Everyone needs a hug!

testing

2009-03-18T23:38:00.003+08:00

Show encrypted text

2009-03-17T19:34:00.003+08:00

Even though life stinks now but i still had a few good laughs today...

Pascal (our french teacher) instructed a guy to sing faire Jacques (not sure whether i've spelled correctly), a nursery song. There was this sentence in english means 'ring the bells' but the guy sang as 'ring my bells' in french.

Pascal: eehh.... im sure you don't want people to ring YOUR bells.

The whole class burst out laughing. Pascal, fyi, laughed till his face turned red... ...

We were thinking of famous french literature to be done for our presentation. 'nutcracker' came out and my roomie though nutcracker is a story of ------>bird!
LOL!

Alvin told us that fairy tales were originally gory stories. The stepsisters who couldn't fit into the glass flippers resorted to chopping off their heels and toes in order to fit into the glass slippers. I believed cause i thought it's pretty acceptable as people from the past, those victorian ages (actually i'm not sure of the era), there was public beheadings and the heads displayed along the bridges.

But alvin proceeded on telling us that cinderella was actually a guy!! AND we observed one minute of silence, too stunned to reply. Because for once, i really believed what he had said. AND during the one minute of silence, i was in a moment of anguish because i couldn't believe my favourite fairytale character was actually a guy!!

Anyway, Cinderella is a woman!!

I'm endeavouring my best to be optimistic and happy with regards to life. Thankfully, i get to have few good laughs everyday.

But touching on a more emo side, i'm stressed. Exams are coming. I don't really understand some lectures. I'm afraid i can't catch up. Plus my lab reports are piling... Adding on to my stress. French quiz, french presentation, lab reports. Plus my elective which i had neglected since i was pretty much concentrated on trying to survive for my cores. All these are weighing down on me. And i hope i don't snap and be able to withstand them all. Tension tension tension!! BLEAH!

2009-03-16T10:31:00.002+08:00

I'm really really sick of school's life. Imagine having to fret over hundreds of things in your mind... the feeling of being cooped and tied up. The constant struggle for air because sometimes, you'll feel so cramped that you can't breathe.

Sometimes, you wish to be optimistic but circumstances proved to be your stumblestones. I look at others' lives, i look at the people around, i fast forward my own life and i feel a chill down my spine. It just dawned on me that life's meaningless. Of course, there's meanings in life but generally if you were to think of life in an abstract manner, it's meaningless. You grow up, you work, have children, fret over children, retire, nth much to do when you're old, you're lucky that you don't contrat some age related diseases but still life's pretty boring when your childrens' all grown up or the unlucky thing is you contract some disease and you'll have to live the rest of your life in agony. No matter what, i still think that life's meaningless. Not that i'm going to end my life any moment. It's difficult to elucidate my point of view to others because they think i'm just overly pessimistic with life... haha!! (maybe it's true... )

And not to mention the tripping stones in life. Even if you get married and have children, that doesn't mean you'll be married for life. Divorce is like so rampant now... Oh... the extra marital affairs, the conflicts of views, arguments, quarrels... Maybe i'm just gloomy and pessismistic and cynical but i believe in love but i don't believe that love holds. It's like some fragile thing whereby one moment i love you and the other poof! it's gone and couples go their separate ways. Bye bye!! Maybe, i've yet to be proven that everlasting love exists. That's because i'm surrounded by too many negative examples that are compelling me to choose the path of being a lonesome naggy old hag in future. Old virgin. haha!

Anyway, coming back to more personal things. In the past, i used to wonder why those lovers on screen would say something that 'i love you therefore i have to leave you?' Then the actor/actress will bawl their eyes out and i would go 0.O" !! I'll be screaming 'SINCE YOU LIKE HER/HIM, STAY WITH HIM/HER LA!! WHAT SHIT...' And ya... i'll be screaming at the TV. (like 'they' can respond ... *rolls eyes*) Now i understand why people do that...

Of course i'm not referring to my own relationship... I have to be alone in order to preserve that friendship because it's really tiring living with someone who is of complete diff from you. I'm more of an independent, cynical old bitch. (the main word is the one in bold, the rest are just plain truth but not impt in this case) So in order to be friends, i have to leave her... Hai~~ How human relations work?? it's all muddled up! :(

2009-03-15T13:59:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, i feel that life is so bleak,
so dark,
so menacing,
so meaningless,
so dry,
so melancholic,
so troublesome,
and it makes living a torture.
Honestly, i don't mind giving it up

But once again, we can't always run from our troubles... ...

Sometimes it's tiring to keep convincing yourself that life is going to get better... ...

Is it?

Sometimes you're already stuck in a cesspool and life still shovels more shit on you.

Life is shit...

That's life.

I'm shit for life.

**&%$@$()^$ Need to go back to hall tonight!!!! ARGH!!! imagine the lonesome journey. Somehow i'll feel that dark clouds are looming directly above me. My heart just sinks to the bottom. And i have nowhere to go but to push myself towards the direction of boon lay.

You know our heart contracts about 3 x 10^9 times a lifetime. For the sake of my heart, since you're working so hard. I shall grit my teeth and pull through. Mel, we'll pull through! :)

2009-03-14T14:58:00.002+08:00

i bargained with life for a penny,
And life would pay no more,
However i begged at evening
When i counted my scanty store.

For life is a just employer.
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why,you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial's hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage i had asked of life,
Life would have willingly paid.

By a great poet

The chapter on cytoskeleton takes forever to complete studying it. Nevertheless, i'm hell bound aiming to finish it by today. ARGH!!!

Mighty frustrating trying to study when the points are everywhere and the notes are badly synchronised.

Nice song!!

Anyway, there's this short snippet of them playing guitar in a room. It reminds me of the good old days in tj's guitar club. :'( I miss the good old days. I miss the butt groping, chirpy guitar president. I miss prime-1-mates. Even though the guys (eugene and pong esp) were extremely irritating as they totally enjoyed bullying me by suddenly pulling my chair towards the back while i was still sitting on it, resulting in me having a near heart attack. Or waking me up when i had fallen asleep while playing guitar. (yup. I had fallen asleep during ensemble practices before. Opps!) I miss bullying audrey who sat in front of me during our ensemble trainings. I miss looking at huixian's expressionless stoned look during guitar practices (she's so cute) I miss having the feeling of people encouraging and rallying each other on. ok... i miss our guitar conductor, a lil bit, not that i like him or anything but he really had some funny moments, his weird artistic mood, his funny antics. crescendo, vibrato, tremelo! I miss my brother too... :(

Oh god. I'm like missing so much. This is going to get so melancholic...

Life is so dull without a CCA. I miss having music in life... :(

Ok. Enough commercial break. Time to study and tuition my cousin. Au revoir!

2009-03-13T23:08:00.003+08:00

I've survived the suay week. It's good to be at home! :) Had menstrual cramps at the start of the week followed by stomach discomfort caused by (i suspect) unclean food. Hai~~~ As if my life's not sucky enough... still have to fall sick somemore. Hai~~~

Eunice will be having school camp from 28-31st may.
Eden will be having camp too from 28-30th may. 31st onwards, he'll be going for some exchange holiday organised by the school to nanjing for ... a week!! I'll be cousin-less on my bday... :(

Ahyi said since her children are going for camp, she's liberated! She said we should organise an overseas trip for our own. HAHAHAHA!! I think we can try organising. the thought of going overseas even if it's just malaysia is sufficient to make me drool. (as long as i can break out of my monotonous life...)

Bear with it a little while more. Break is coming. Of course that's after tests. AND during the exam period, somehow it's going to feel that it's one year and not three weeks. AND it's just going to be a constant pain in my ass which is going to last for 3 weeks. HAI~~~ The mere thought of it...makes me shudder...

I'm determined to do better this time! Less stress, more sleep, take it easy, sleep and eat well, love myself. Haha!

ah yi asked me whether i'm angered by the fact that my mum is going on holiday without bringing me along. Somehow, when a thing is done too often, you just accept it for what it is. It's not as though being angry will change anything. I've reached the stage whereby i'm immuned to it. AND i have my ahyi who always think of me and will bring me on a holiday!! :) therefore i'm contented and blessed.

2009-03-12T10:09:00.002+08:00

OH WTH!!

THERE'S A FREAKING LIZARD IN MY ROOM!! I roughly know where it is... because i heard this plop sound and i suspect it had either fallen into the box placed under my study desk. I'm sitting quite far from my study desk while trying to type this entry. It's not an easy feat. I had to stretch my arms in order to type on my laptop placed on the table.

AND IT'S MAKING THOSE IRRITATING SQUEAKY NOISES WHICH IS SERIOULY GETTING ON MY NERVES AND MAKING MY HAIR RISE!!! WTH!! ARGH!!! I'm alone and i'm scared!!

To make the situation murkier, there's another lizard outside my window squeaking too. YA!! THE TWO LIZARDS ARE FREAKING CONVERSING!!! So i hear squeaks outside my room and inside my room. WTH!!!

Like some april's fool joke man!! Gosh i hate lizards!! :(

Stomach hurts now... think it'll subside and then it'll become discomfort. Feel like puking. Hai... life sucks...

2009-03-10T19:01:00.002+08:00

Ok... i'm bored... looking at the pictures just make me feel more deprived... haha!!

Oh gosh!!! I dread to go to school every single day. Can't help but to feel that life's meaningless and miserable. I have this pessimistic thought of quitting school which is haunting me. Life sucks really... i can't fathom how life can get better.

I'm such a miserable and insecured bitch.

Searching for the strength... THE strength

2009-03-09T19:48:00.002+08:00

I managed to break the news to my roomie finally. Thankfully, she could understand although i expect she's suppressing her feelings. Chan Mali thinks i have enough punishment for feeling so upset over the matter for the past few days and weeks of agonising over the decision. I should learn to let go.

I realise the person who is harsh on me is myself.

Yesterday, on my way back to hall, i was in an emotional turmoil. I had to control myself from bursting into tears during the bus ride to the interchange. My tears was on the verge of falling out when i was on the mrt but i blinked them off several times. I just wanted to stay at home and not go to school. But, i'm grown up and it's un-grown-up-ish of me to sulk, bawl and beg to stay at home. BUT, i dread going to school. The emoish trip back to school was just a draining, sad, draggy, gloomy, disgusting journey back to hall.

And i know the reason why i was so freaking emoish during the lonely ride back to hall. I woke up. I got my period. Period.

HAI!! Sigh!

2009-03-08T10:24:00.002+08:00

Guess it's time to put my own happiness first. It gets very tiring finding excuses and reasons for people. I'm partially at fault for causing things to become like this. I should have been more direct and forthcoming with my feelings. Now, i'll have to be the bad guy... ...

I'm not looking forward to the what i expect to be an emotionally wrought week. BUT I HAVE TO DO IT... no matter how reluctant, how hesitant, how unwilling i am in doing so. I have to do it!

I thought it was because i expect too much from people. Like what the old adage goes, the higher your expectation, the greater your disappointment. Perhaps, that's why i've been hurt repeatedly since young-broken promises, lack of care and concern, inability to provide to my emotional needs, the absence from a large chunk of my life. It gets to a point that i've stopped expecting things from my parents, it was then i felt better. After the point of letting go... ...

And i do bear grudges... once you've hurt me, unless you apologise if not i won't be able to let go or forget easily.

# it's ok that i wasn't invited to your wedding. I don't even know when was the actual date of your wedding. The first time i learnt about it was when i chanced upon your wedding photo album. Subsequently, i had to learn of it from another person. That shows how important i am in your eyes.

#when i said it was ok for you to married. It was meant to grant you the happiness you deserve. Now that i see you slogging like shit and your contributions is unreciprocated. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FREAKING HURTS!!! F***ing asshole!

#You have brought disgrace to the family. It makes me realise we can forgive someone only when the person truly deserves forgiveness. Help must be rendered at discretion. If not, you'll just ruining the person's life. All the best in jail. Hope you'll be ashamed at how you have screwed your family up as you sit pondering being the metal bars everyday.

#Staying under one roof isn't an easy matter. One fine day, we'll all have to part... and the cruelest part of all, time doesn't come to a standstill. We have to move on.

#I believe in the inherent good of people. And i treat people the best i can. But when the person doesn't appreciate it or has no self-awareness. I draw the line. Sorry for being so cruel but i'm tired. I hate having to find excuses for you plus self deception doesn;t work anymore. Hazel isn't going to be a nice person anymore. No wonder people say it's tough being a nice person. I'm tired of having to ask you do things. Time to act on your own accord and time for me to act on my own interests.

I just felt like lashing out. My theme for next week is not to be a nicey goodie shoes. I'm going to put my self interests first. With the support of my family, dearest friends and Nga, i'll be fine.

Be brave!

2009-03-07T15:45:00.002+08:00

It's raining cats and dogs now. THUNDER!! Yikes!! And the freaky lightnings. Thankfully, i'm safe at home.

Thanks Huichan for listening to my crap this morning. We met up for breakfast at 9 am! Haha!! Ya.. it's amazing. LOL! After the talk, i'm convinced that i should apply for single room. No wonder people say living together and getting along with people are two completely different matters. You can get along well with the person that doesn't mean you can stand living under one roof with him/her.

I told my ah yi about the incident and she said it's time for me to think about myself first rather than others. I was hesitant in telling MY about the single room thingy because i was worried that she won't be able to take it and based on my understanding of her, things are going to be very difficult once i've told her my decision. Hope i'll be blessed with the luck and intelligence to break the news to her such that our friendship won't be ruined as a result. But i think no matter what, it's going to hurt at first. And i'm not sure whether she'll understand my reasons for doing so...

Think she'll feel hurt and indignant at first. Definitely will show me the attitude one. And, i think based on how her parents dote on her, i have to be prepared to explain to her parents too. OH shit... ...

My mood is like the weather now... Gloomy, melancholic, saddening, emotionally wrought. I'm tired... ...

and i'm crying to the song single by neyo feat new kids on the block. Amazing right?

2009-03-06T00:55:00.003+08:00

Like pooi! and my lab report is finally done. ARGH!! School sucks la... so many things to be done. Screwed screwed screwed... ...

Another bout of stress is resolved and another bout comes. No end to stress.

The troubling question is... should i apply for single room. If i do want right, how am i going to break the news to my roomie. she has said before she does not feel comfortable staying with stranger as well as she doesn't dare sleep alone. What if her new roomie doesn't stay in hall very often since there's a possibility they may be of different courses. Oh dear... No matter what i do, it's like i'll hurt someone. Myself and her.

OH GOSH!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Bloody hell!

2009-03-05T11:31:00.002+08:00

Creep
by Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here,
ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run
run...run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Here i am again!! LOL!! Even though i just blogged not too long ago...

Sad to say, this song comes close to my heart because i do feel strangely out of place most of the time. And sometimes all i want to do is to hole up in my room and be alone. Plus, it doesn't help that to a certain extent, i'm a weirdo.

I want to go retail therapy. Splurge on clothes especially. I'm a vainpot actually but it's just that sometimes i don't have the energy to indulge in the vanity of mine. LAUGH!!

HAI!!!! I'm craving for fun!

2009-03-05T10:36:00.002+08:00

Winning entry:

Do you know...
butterfly has two pairs of wings
you are one pair and i'm the other
together we make the butterfly fly

Do you know...
You are like the singtel student plan and i'm the handphone
we come in one set

Do you know...
kitkat is made up of biscuit wafer and chocolate
you are the chocolate and i'm the biscuit wafer
you surround me with your sweetness

The above poem is what i had written for some heartfest thingy organised by singtel during valentine's day. AND GUESS WHAT!! i won movie tickets and popcorn combos!! LOL!!

Moral of the story: sometimes, crap does become a winning formula in life.

AHHHH!! Still got so many things not settled for hall magazine. I'm so dead... ...

Time to search for that 'faith' to carry on in life. The elusive 'faith' of mine...

nobody is defeated unless the defeat is accepted as reality...

2009-02-28T20:47:00.003+08:00

i went for a walk and it rained. I was too far away from home and it was no use attempting to run back. So, i just continued to walk in the rain...

emo emo emo

Thank you huichan for coming over to my house so that i can ramble on the pent up emo shit i'm feeling. I shall find helium gas to pump myself up. Hopefully i can break the cycle of being up and down.

I'm wet now so i should go bathe.

2009-02-27T23:38:00.002+08:00

i've always think it's unfair to dump my misery and emo shit on others. It's like adding on to their troubles and burden. Sometimes, i think only i can be the solution to my own problems so i don't see the point in telling people. So, i create a barrier around myself and hoping i'll gain some enlightenment on my own. Hence, i can't tell people straight in their faces that i'm troubled. The only way i can let out my pent up feelings is to write. Even if i do tell people my woes, i'll feel apologetic after that despite the many times they had told me that it's alright. Hence, i end up bottling things in me.

The frenzy headless aimless paper chase is dragging me down.

The other day, i was chatting to a friend on msn and she shared with me her problems. I tried to assure her that things are going to be alright. But i feel like a hypocrite right after because i myself, do not suscribe to the view. It's a tiring cyclical thing whereby i feel emo, recover and feel that life isn't that bleak anymore, back to emo, and life is getting better, emo over my shitty life, happy again, emo, back to normal. during the phases of emo, i think i've reached a higher realm that is to feel emo that i'm emo.

tears just roll down while i stare blankly at the computer screen.

even though mum is just below, i choose not to let her know.

The last straw came when i started typing the word 'depression' and goggled it. It seems like i do have a significant number of symptoms listed.

Is it an over exaggeration? an overwhelming pessimism. Maybe i'm going through some difficult time. Maybe i need time to adapt. maybe it's just mood swing.

But it's been some time my mood has been down and up. I thought it was due to i was staying in hall, away from my family. But now, i'm at HOME and yet i'm still feeling this sense of bleakness and hopelessness. And i do feel lonely even though i'm surrounded by people. And i cry at odd times and unexplainable situations. And the saddest thing of all is i've lost the hazel i used to know.

To my dearest friends out there... Please don't worry about me. As mentioned above, i'll feel apologetic for making people worry. This entry is not meant to cause any distress to anyone. I'm too much of a coward to be suicidal. ( just a form to pour out my emo nonsense)

eyes are freaking swollen after the unexplainable fall of tears just now. or maybe 'rain of tears' would be more apt a description.

Perhaps it's part and parcel of growing up. Now you know why people dread growing up... ...

it gets so sickening that nothing you do seems right...

sometimes, i wonder who can save me and the answer is ME.

2009-02-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

I think i'm hardworking to the point that i'm scaring myself...

It seems like time is seriously inadequate and i have a lot of things that i've yet revised. Oh wtf...

I think i should relax but the thought of the pile of notes awaiting me just bring me back to reality-that i should study instead.

Wah lao... scary right??

i can't even explain why i'm blogging about this... as if i can find a solution to it...

All i can do is to tell myself to chill (but it's falling on deaf ears).

Hazel is a stupid bitch!

2009-02-25T23:40:00.002+08:00

You Are Warm

You are as patient, as outgoing, and as nice as you can be.

You understand people well, and you mostly enjoy being around them.

You Are 36% Weirdo

You're a little weird, but you'd be even weirder if you didn't have a few quirks.

You are just strange enough to know it, but nobody else seems to notice your weirdness.

That's because, deep down, everyone is a little freaky!

Are You A Weirdo?

You are a naturally warm person, but you do have times when you're feeling a bit distant.

But even when you're feeling distant, you try to be empathetic. You always go the extra mile.

How Warm Are You?

You Were a Creative Kid

When you were a kid, you always had to be doing something with your hands.

Whether you were painting a picture or just doodling, you had to be creating something.

You were too busy thinking about your future creations to listen in school.

It's likely that every part of school was a challenge for you, except for art class.

What Kind of Kid Were You?

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for it

But inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubt

A little more inner confidence could take you far...

And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

Are You a Confident Woman?

You Are a Moderate Mama

You're not overly political, and your views fall more with the American mainstream.

In fact, it may be difficult for you to decide who to vote for at times!

Your approach to politics is reasoned and well though out.

Are You a Liberal Lady or a Conservative Chick?

Your PMS Disaster Level: Medium

You definitely are a bit of a wreck once a month.

But as long as remember to take it easy, your PMS isn't a major crisis.

Are You a PMS Disaster?

Your Nail Polish Color is Purple

How you're unique: You are artistic and expressive

Why your style rocks: You pay special attention to color and fabrics

What this color says about you: "I'm creative and know how to take care of myself"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

You Go For Brains!

You want a guy with a big... brain.

And of course it would be nice if he were a total hottie, but you're not counting on it.

What's on the inside is what counts for you. (Besides, you can always change the outside later!)

Do You Go For A Guy's Brains or Body?

this is what i've done when i have nothing better to do. Sick of stuyding.......

2009-02-25T11:04:00.002+08:00

A little too not over you
David Archuleta

Lyrics David Archuleta Lyrics A Little Too Not Over You Lyrics

AHHHHH!!!! I think i need a break!! It's recess week for goodness sake and all that i've been doing the moment i pry open my eyes is mugging... I need a break and ya... i'm wallowing in self pity....

My mood now is darn sian.... :(

David Archuleta is so cute...

2009-02-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

Primary school's work isn't as easy as compared to the past. My cousin is in Pri 5 and he's already learning cells, mitosis and meiosis. OH GOD!! Which explains why my energy got totally depleted after u had finished teaching him. AND that's only one pathetic chapter. To make the situation murkier, eden has short attention span, inattentive, talkative and naughty. I was very fierce but he still wasn;t scared of me.

So, the moral of the story is, please do not have too many kids in future. You can potentially die of anemia trying to teach them due to the persistent throwing up of blood. Love yourself, stop at (AT MOST) 2.

The other day, i saw an old man stealing chocolates at candy empire. Candy empire has those wide arrays of chocolates for people to choose and place in clear plastic bags and subsequently weigh and pay for them. The way the chocolates are displayed make them look uber tempting and of course easy targets for people to steal. My sense of rectitude compelled me to report to the cashier but then my sympathy for the old man was also triggered at the same time. In the end, i just walked out of the store, couldn't bear to witness the scence anymore. i should have report right? but then it's just a few pieces of chocolates and he's an old man. AH!!! I'm a dishonest person. Stupid old man. ARGH!

My two rather close friends are facing relationship problems now. It's pretty emo-ish seeing their feelings being torn and shredded. Sometimes, the concept of 'it's better to let go' is easier said than done. The concept is too obscured to them. They serve as a reminder for me to count my blessings. This is going to sound damn mushy but ya... i think my bf is a good guy as well. Anyone who can withstand my crap should be given an award. haha!

i think i've lost an important photograph... :(

2009-02-21T22:08:00.003+08:00

I thought there has been a void of pictures so decided to upload some although there's nothing much about them anyway? Oh ya... perhaps to add colours to my blog... Haha!! *whatever* Hall carnival and i'm quite easily intrigued by helium balloons
Mingyan was busy microwaving pratas

Nga songwei and me

Just an observation... i like to call nga song wei, 'nga songwei'.

People think it's rude (which i also think so)

but it's my form of endearment k....

'dear', 'darling', 'sweetie pie', 'honey' are so cliche.

So unoriginal.

Imagine i shout 'darling' while we're walking along orchard road, i think 10 + people will turn and to acknowledge me...

LOL!!

The 4/7 out of the qijiemeis

Amanda came back!! Met her for lunch at Jurong point.

Amanda's so fair, she makes me envious

That girl is studying in Melbourne where according to her, got cute guys in school. *gush* OMG!!! There's not many cute guys in NTU. even if there are, i've yet to seen them.

Although, i think going overseas to study is cool but i don't envision myself doing that. I'm too tender and i'll emo easily away from home. Shall try to control my emotions before i even dare venture to think of it. Haha!! Right now, i'm still learning and endeavouring my best to survive...

It's recess week!! something which i thought i should be joyous about but then i aren't.

Haha!! My emotions are in topsy-turvy now. Sometimes happy, sometimes super emo. Sometimes i'll be so sad that i wonder whether i'll truly be happy again. At times i feel that my supposedly cheerfulness is just a mask.

Perhaps there's too much at stake. I admire those who can take things easily because i can't. And i can only look back forlornly at the person i had once been. The genuinely cheerful and heck care siao zar bo.

2009-02-19T10:52:00.004+08:00

Breakeven
by The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,

And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok

I'm falling to pieces, yeah,

I'm falling to pieces (One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces (Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh

Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break

No it don't break

No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok (Oh glad your okay now)

I'm falling to pieces yeah (Oh I'm glad your okay)

I'm falling to pieces yeah (One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces (Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even noOh it don't break even no

Oh it don't break even no

I have this piece of news which is so damn difficult to break to the targetted person... At the same time, i'm guilt-ridden for feeling the way which triggered me to want to drop the bomb shell... It makes me feel i'm not appreciative or treasuring the person in concern enough.

But really... i value my privacy more than ever.

Anyway, there's still a lot of time to consider my decision slowly. Then i shall find the right opportunity to break the news...

2009-02-19T00:15:00.002+08:00

Woo... i have the wallenstein's sleeper effect. Didn't know such a thing exist until i received an email from a friend. Thanks friend! Glad to have someone who understands how i feel.

Chan Mali. Sorry for the sudden break of news... Just couldn't find the right opportunity to tell you.

Maybe, i know why i'm easily emo. Why i was and actually am cynical. I think i'm highly insecured. I keep things to myself. Because at the end of the day, we'll end up being alone anyway. Not that i don't appreciate my friends but there's this internal struggle in me that it's very difficult to explain. And sometimes i don't see the point in sharing because, nobody can understand plus it's selfish and wicked of me to force people to understand my agony. So to all my dear ones out there, it's not that i don't appreciate, treasure or trust you, but somethings are just better meant to be kept to oneself. Not that i'm selfish or don't hold you in esteem but really, agony begets agony. So why add on to the agony??

to prevent yourself to get hurt, you build a wall to shut your emotions from others. The emotions accumulate, the wall faces extreme pressure, the wall collapses and you end up hurting yourself. That's another conflict which adds on to the irony.

But in a false sense of security. People rather have the wall than not having it.

chan mali just msned me saying it all make sense now... my blogposts and sometimes the stuff i've said. haha!

i used to loathe 'meet-the -parents' session. Since you can't have the complete, it's better to have nothing rather than the incomplete.

i can't blame mummy. She has the wallenstein's sleeper effect too. So this sets me thinking...maybe i shouldn't get married and have children in case i unconciously pass on the effect. Haha!!

huichan is asking me whether i see the wall in my room. Then go bang my head against it.

Sometimes, i feel like i have so much grievances to say but i'll end up swallowing them one by one eventually. Once again, no point saying... ... don't know where or how to begin with. Grievances are my property!

Why do i keeping picking on myself ah?? haha!!

AND AND AND... a part of me longs for recess wk, another part of me dreads recess wk. The amount of stuff to catch up with.

I wonder at the end of the sacrifices made, will there be rewards? you know what, sometimes life is so cruel, reward is just a scam to make people believe the impossible and toil for it. right??

Life is plagued with ironies, contradictions, questions, doubts etc etc etc...

Hai... can't help thinking life sucks...

2009-02-16T23:52:00.018+08:00

Para and Alvin had tickets and so off we went for the valenwine event. We went on friday before the 330 lecture. It was freaking hilarious cause i was drunk and abit swaying after two sips of red wine and one sip of white wine. Oh goodness, i started blabbering nonsensical things. Alvin, Para and mingyan were convinced i was drunk... haah!

Me and our da ge alvin!

And... the following stuff that i'm going to blog about will be mushy mushy mush-talk. It's just for my memory sake so that perhaps ten years down the road, i can look back at this entry and reminsce my first Valentine's date. LOL... Don't say i didn't warn you...

My first valentine leh!!

U're honoured sia...

I think you're cute

How can the girl steal my line?? (idiot!)

Ok background info:

This girl told songwei's friend that she finds songwei cute. LOL!

Not bad la... at least let me know my bf has market de... LAUGH!!

You know...

there is this chinese saying that love makes one glow.

See, we're glowing and radiating happiness...

The henderson wave

which is actually a bridge that resembles wave.

Scenic spot, cosy feeling, pretty lightings, wondrous atmosphere

I just know it connects to mount faber

I like this pic cause songwei looks so cute which is actually a euphemism for retarded.

To songwei: you look retarded, i say retarded things. We match! :)

74.14 m above sea level

The presents i've made for my dear valentine....

I named it 'Lo'

This is songwei's one.

Name: Vee

'Lo' and 'Vee' = loVee

Present from songwei...

If you think it's a normal looking cup,

well it is a normal looking mug...

It remains normal until...

I pour hot water into the mug

Sth is forming...

Magic!!

Presto!!!

A picture of a hot girl and cute guy appear

I jokingly said i wanted to wear fbt for our date. Haha! I'm so thankful i didn't stick to my 'original' plan. You were pretty well dressed. i would feel like a frumpy housewife beside you.

The hilarious thing was i texted chan mali cause i didn't know what to wear. She advised me to wear something sexy. *LOL* luckily i didn't heed her advice. People of SW's age can't take too much stimulus.

My first Valentine's date was wonderful!! I'm looking forward to our second, third, fourth etc etc etc etc dates to come.

This is going to be like freaking mushy... (please skip please skip)

I love songwei!! You're the cutest bf in MY eyes.

Ok... i;ve said it out, puke for all you want. I already warned you...

2009-02-13T00:26:00.002+08:00

My two quizzes are finally over!! Yay!! *jumps in joy* I think i've screwed up for french and screwed up equally for HS808. But... i shall relegate it to the back of my mind...

I went berserk on tuesday. I behaved like a spoilt brat. stress?? even though i don't think it was very much linked to the tests. It was more of the sudden overwhelming exhaustion, jadedness for life, the thought of living this kind of life made me nauseated. It was because my life had become too predictable, too monotonous, too boring that resulted in me being myopic and couldn't see the point of living. Plus, the lack of sleep was creeping up and attacking my emotions. I'm that kind that needs a lot of sleep. Insufficient sleep will result in me morphing into some freaking time bomb or something. Just waiting for the right moment to explode.

Now. i feel so embarrassed at how i had behaved on tuesday. I wanted to give up studying for my quizzes. The childish, rebellious, disobedient part was acting. SW who meant good, was explaining to me some principles on life but i chose to interpret it otherwise. ( i thought he was telling me to go study which i didn't want to and so the rebellious streak acted up) I know it's childish. Frustrations mounted in me and i just left my room after leaving a note to my roomie and instructed her not to call SW (see...so childish) and my phone was left abandoned on my table. SW, managed to catch up with me cause apparently, he saw me leaving my blk. At that point in time, i must honestly admit that i wasn't really happy cause i just desperately wanted to be left alone. but now, i'm thankful SW stuck to me and accompanied me. I was near suicidal that time. (ok the last sentence is meant to be a joke.) We went to nie and i just sat there watching people play tennis and it was mostly silence cause i didn't feel like talking. (immature!)

I tried to escape reality by not wanting to go back to my room. I was half dragged back by SW. I was angry at myself, not him, for being such a weakling. Such an escapist. Such a coward. Such a ninny. The moment i reached my room. I just sat quietly at my desk, plugged into my earphones and placed my head on the table. The tears just came running down even though i was listening to 'live your life' by TI feat rihanna which was NOT a sad song. According to my roomie who came back later, she said SW had the helpless look when she asked him what had happened. She could sense the ominous aura the moment she stepped into our room.

To Nga Songwei,
I'm sorry for my childish immature laughable behaviour. It was really bad of me. Even my mum had scolded me. Which was very true. I deserved to be scolded. Being my bf is just a tough job. I'm too emo le. Although i had apologised to you and you had reassured that it's alright. Nevertheless, i still feel very apologetic. Cause i've made you worry, i've make your ass hurt (pain in the ass), i'm always emoing, i'm weak, i'm a burden. i'm such a complicated piece of shit that even at times i hate myself too. Haha! I love you and thank you for never leaving me to mope alone. Thanks for the support and just for being there. (i'm glad u were ard on tues even though i didn't look so because i was having internal struggles with myself. REALLY ABSOLUTELY NTH TO DO WITH YOU)

To roomie mingyan,
Thanks for being there to support me. We went for a walk after that. She knew i was too cooped up in our little room. We talked and i felt whole load better after sharing.

To Mel,
It's going to be alright. Even though it doesn't look like it is now but things will get better. Nothing lasts forever, not even troubles. And like what you had told me, it's ok to emo. No harm done. We're just expressing our feelings tt's all. Smile!! tk care and sleep early. Shall meet up when u;re less busy k! Love ya!

to chan mali/pang-nie,
Thanks for your support. Thanks for your 'best of luck' wishes. Thanks for listening to the grouses. Thanks for your encouraging smses. You know what i miss most in ntu? a friend like you.

Valentine's day is coming!! haha!! Even the area near canteen A has a lot of stores selling v day related stuff. Our hall just had a subcomm appreciation cum v day dinner. Love is really in the air. I'm in a loving mood too.

Ruiying's missing

Can you spot the underlying message??

Haha! It's seriously meant to be a joke.

Ya.... Nga songwei, don't panic

Singtel organised this 'express yourself' thing. Got to write a msg for the special someone and if it's good, we get to stand a chance to win X box! i repeat X BOX. SW wanted the x box and i rendered my help because if he really won the x box, half of it shall be mine.

So, i came up a poem and some idiotically funny phrases. HAHAHA!!

I want to sleep. Shall blog about what idiotic or nauseous-inducing mushy things i've written another time. Au revoir!

2009-02-10T00:58:00.002+08:00

I hope the strong facade lasts.

I'm too young to be jaded of life...

There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will.
~Epictetus~

Dear Epictetus, it's easier said than done.

Mummy called but i couldn't bring myself to call back just in case i lose my cool.

Ok... to admit... i scared i'll sink into some tirade and end up crying can.

Whatever....

Sleep is elusive because i dread waking up to a 'brand' new day.

To remind myself again, i'm too young to be jaded of life... ...

Is there anything to look forward to??

I'm no doubt screwed for the tests.

Now, i'm learning how to let go... pang seh...

2009-02-08T15:10:00.002+08:00

I'm sufferring from an early onset of Monday blues... ROAR!! I'm so sick of being sick of school.

Taking a break from the enormous pile of reading. I'm only at lecture 3!! AND THERE'S STILL A DINOSAUR DUNG PILE OF STUFF TO READ!!! Not to mention i'm only halfway done for french. Screwed!

Tutorials also haven't done. Lab report halfway done. WTH!

Hall mag, pictures, layouts...

HAI!!!!

It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction.
Henry Ward Beecher

2009-02-06T23:26:00.001+08:00

I've spent the entire day nuaing... Guilt ridden guilt ridden. Just had this immense lethargy swarming in me. Haha!

I just watched an episode of Ghost whisperer. It's so freaking sad can. Melinda's husband's spirit in now in another man's body and he can't remember who he is and what had happened to him.

It's so so so so sad on melinda gordon. Like losing your husband is not bad enough and to add on to the misery, your husband comes back in another person's body and has abolutely zero recollections of you. This is sad sad sad sad. I know it's just a show, it's not real but i can't help feeling emo. Chan Mali recommended that i have a tissue box on standby the next time i watch ghost whisperer.

Omg! i think i'm falling into the category of 'aunties who cry over their tissue box while watching sad weepy korean drama'.

I enjoy making fun of my cousin...

Me: EDEN!
Eden: what??
Me: i know u love me. I love u too
Eden: pooi!

Haha! Anyway, i'm still convinced that my cousin likes me. Guys being guys just refuse to admit.

Now i know why i always emo excessively in hall. That's because i'm missing my family's infectious laughter and humour. My family is a bunch of happy go lucky weirdoes. When i'm at home, i'm less likely to be infected by emo-ness.

Plus, staying in hall makes me feel lonely at times. Even though my roomie is in the same room as me, sometimes it's difficult to share things with her because it's just me. I have a multitude of layers around me and it's not easy to unwrap to know my true feelings. It's my weakness cause i limit the things i confide or share with some people and that's that. And, going to school is such a bore and a pain in the ass. Stress and all the crap.

Take it as a form of training... be strong be strong

Mummy and aunt mentioned about grandpa over dinner and gosh it reminds me how much i still miss him even though it had been years... well, perhaps this is my form of remembering him because my grandpa had a sea burial. He doesn't have a grave and my family doesn't pray during qing ming and stuff. Without any grave to visit, i can only search within myself for the memories as a form to remember him. After his death, my family donated his clothes to charity, sold his bike, shut his company. It's like removing traces of him not because we're cruel but as a form of acceptance of his death. Likewise, it can be said that we did that to compel ourselves to accept his death as having his things around would serve us nothing but to make us sad.

Oh gosh... i'm like emoing so much in one night. And not to mention the stuff i've told Chan Mali. Thanks Chan Mali for providing me with a listening ear.

I've used up my quota of emoing. Guess it's time for bed if not i emo somemore.

2009-02-06T09:57:00.002+08:00

I'm torn between whether to stay for my lecture which starts at 330 or to go home like now. ARGH!!! I want to go home badly but i'll be plagued with a sense of guilt if i pon lecture.

Yesterday's lecture on 'understanding culture and globalisation' was pretty insightful.

In pre-modernity, things were pretty governed by religions, superstitions, providence. People believe that things happened because of god's will.

In modernity, we see the emergence of industrialisation, democracy and science. People were then able to think more rationally and logically because of that.

And now, we're living in a society of post-modernity. We are confronted by a plethora of choices and there is this need to express our individualism. As a result, our emotions are affected. We are not pressured ( as compared to our parents) to fulfill some kind of obligations, be it studies, work, becoming a dutiful wife etc. Because of the lack of pressure, we have to look for the strength and motivation within ourselves. As a result, i guess it adds on to our emotional burden?

I can't believe i actually remember so much from the video. No wonder my roomie thinks i should have taken arts instead.

Ok! i shall peep into myself for the motivation. Hazel will survive.

Time to learn to be strong. Be brave. Be happy!

Oh... i miss the salty air of the beach! :>

2009-02-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

Perhaps it's the silence of the night, the chorus of the insects, the number of things piling up, the fact that i'm missing home, the intense craving for a break, the want to go home like THIS INSTANT. Well, they all add up to make me emo.

Just now, my printer couldn't print, i couldn't sign in msn, problems of disconnection which impeded my progress in doing french homework as i had to check the meanings of some chim words. These just add on to my vexations.

Hazel desperately needs entertainment in her life. It's like i know i need to do something to relax but the act of relaxing means precious time is trickling away.

You know what... i'm so tempted to run away. From this mad rush, from the responsibilities, from the pressure, from the expectations, from myself...

ARGH!!

2009-02-04T12:52:00.002+08:00

I don't know what went wrong for the previous blogskin... I like the previous skin... well... hopefully, i'll be able to find another skin that i like...

I know this is like so overdue but then Melly won't mind right?? haha! Anyway, this part of my blog is dedicated to Mel. I'm touched by Mel who came all the way to my hall from hall 2 just to catch up with me and cheer me up! Thanks for the pockys as well! Love you!!

I'll get back on my feet soon. soon. Ya... haha!

I'm bloated like a whale,
tummy cramps like hell,
I'm lethargic,
I'm frustrated,
The red monster is here!

Hate cramps hate cramps hate cramps... Idiot! Perhaps it's my body rebelling. Or my constitution's weak. Or my body is collapsing. Or i'm not taking good care of myself. Cramping isn't a good sign. Since i'm safe in my room, i shall skip the miracle pills (pink panadol pills). I don't want to be dependent on it. But had to eat them yesterday as it was a long day in school.

There are so many things coming up and things that are yet to be done... Shucks!

Two quizzes next wk
hall's magazine
V day next wk
sell carnival tickets
lab report due next monday
catch up with my lectures
Hall carnival on 17 feb
summarise my hs 808 notes

AHHH!! Breathe breathe breathe! I'm going to survive!

2009-01-31T22:42:00.004+08:00

Lesson of the day: To be happy... ...

Learn to accept and let go
Live for yourself and not others
Control your mind and not let your mind control you
Be easy on yourself
Find ways to relax
Remember that your family and friends are there for you

The emo me is acting up again. PMS is at fault too. I was emoing on friday and was totally dying to go home. It was an excruciating drag because my lecture started at 330 and i had to wait even though i was dying to go home...

Why am i emo? Well... have you ever experienced that kind of overwhelming exhaustion. The series of things weighing down on you till you're struggling to breathe. And that you just want to pack up and abandon everything. Hide under the covers and shield yourself from the outside world.

Thank goodness i have a wonderful family who is astute to my emotions. My aunt sensed i wasn't ok the moment i stepped into the house. Maybe i was emitting the negative aura.

The points above were what my aunt had told me. I'm blessed to have an aunt like her. My mum as well for showing her concern but she can't provide me with the things or comfort i need. Not that i'm on bad terms with my mum but it's just that our communication is like... that...

Guess it stems from the fact that my parents are absorbed by their better-halfs. I felt neglected by them ever since i was young. I seldom share things with her. Therefore, she's less astute to my feelings.

not that i'm jealous now. As i grow older, i tuned out to that and just appreciate with what i have now. I know they do love me even though they aren't exactly the best parents. Together with the cliche 'nobody is perfect'... well... I'm really quite blessed and should stop complaining.

I've broken my resolve to be happy... :(

But i'm feeling better now (for the time being)... For the next bout of emoness, i shall try conquering on my own.

On a random note,

I want to go to beach.

I dread going to school.

I don't want sunday to come.

2009-01-30T14:42:00.002+08:00

Thank goodness it's friday because i really can't stand another minute waddling in school...

I'm moody... like real moody...

Academics related stuff threatens to melt my mind.

I miss home...

2009-01-28T16:27:00.002+08:00

I got tagged on facebook... and decided to do it since i'm bored and my boredom is further intensified by the fact that i'm doing my lab report. So well... here it goes...

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1) I hate school

2) The only subject i'm good at is 'the art of talking crap'

3) People who do not know me very well think i'm quiet. (haha!!)

4) People who know me pretty well think i'm childish. (LOL!)

5) I want to go on a back-packing trip with my girlfriends someday.

6) I like to sing but i don't usually sing in front of people. Singing is only limited to the toilet and my room.

7) The food that i cannot live without are: ICE CREAM and chocolates and Pocky biscuits and bubble tea

8) When i was in primary school, i hated all people with the XY chromosomes and actually vowed not to get married. :P

9) i suck in mathematics. I can't do mental calculations and calculator is like my right arm.

10) I can do things alone like shopping, sight-seeing and eating

11) I eat pocky when i'm both happy and sad.

12) I'm scared of living things that are either six legged or cold blooded or have fins (fishes).

13) I'm hydrophobic and whenever i'm in the sea, i'll be pestered by the image of a shark following me. Or constantly think that fishes have brushed across my legs.

14) I actually quite like running (minus the bloody slopes)

15) I've been to shen zhen, malaysia, korea, japan, new zealand, Thailand, Hongkong, batam

16) I walk pretty fast

17) I like comedies, anime and horror movies.

18) I like watermelon and i just swallow the seeds because i'm too lazy to spit them out.

19) Best CCA days: TJC guitar. Yay!

20) I wanted to be a policewoman when i was young.

21) I always say the wrong things but are quite funny actually

22) I'm quite emo

23) I don't like people to scold me ah lian, bimbo, bitch. Can scold me anything except for those three. (i'm not bimbotic)

24) I have a fetish for bras. Can't resist from buying.

25) I have multiple personalities.

I thought this will take a long time to complete... but surprisinly no... haha!! Yay!! Here goes...

2009-01-25T13:04:00.002+08:00

It's Chinese New Year!! Hongbaos, new yr goodies, delicious food, festive occasions. The perfect excuse for people to dress up and be happy!! Happy happy happy!!

I'll be going to some townclub for reunion dinner. Even since my grandma had passed away, the family pool has shrunk and my aunt sees no point in cooking for the pathetic few left so we had always eat out since. Looking at the bright side, at least i get to dress up and stuff. Chinese New Year is the only occasion whereby i'll indulge in my vanity. Haha!! :P

I love CNY!! well-deserved break from school. Time to rest and have fun!