Depression hits!!

I'm depressed... Today's entry will be solely for ranting. I'm sorry if i bore anyone... Like what i've said earlier, depression has claimed another victims and that is me.

I'll be dropping econs to H1. Actually, i;ve already resigned to the fate that i'll drop econs to a h1 level. So, i'm pretty much ok with it. Just feel that it's a bit wasted to drop now... Other than that, i'm fine.

A level results was out yesterday. I went to the hall to 'feel the atmosphere'. Want to kaypoh and find out what is it like getting a level results. The tension in the hall was palpable. I felt stressed out as well (although i wasn't the one getting a level results). I fast forwarded and imagined how it would be like for me when i'm getting my a level results... What will happen when i get my results? Will i be grinning from ear to ear or sobbing like mad? These things nearly got me toppling over the edge. It's super duper stressful thinking about it... I'm stressed as a result.

Taking into my account i haven't been coping very well since my day one in jc. I seldom pass my tests and can't catch up with the pace at which the teacher is teaching and stuff. Before i managed to understand a particular chapter, the lecturer had already proceeded to teach another and i was left stranded. Before i've even attempt to try to digest and understand the chapter, i'd already been forced to leave it aside first and proceed on to another.

I dread going to school most of the time. In secondary school the extent of 'dread' wasn't as overwhelming as compared to now. The idea of going to school can sometimes make me feel sick... JC life is really boring, stressful, tiring, energy zapping...

I always wonder whether things will be better if i had taken an alternative route. I used to be quite confident of the decision i'd made to come to tjc. When people ask me whether i regret coming to tjc, i would reply with a resounding no. However, i'm not too sure i can reply No! with a aplomb now. It's as though i'm shrinking away from my decision. It's as if i'm a hermit crab that goes into hiding when danger strikes. I may appear weak and can't handle stress. But if i do appear weak, so be it. I hate to be strong and pretend that life is smooth sailing ... I don't want to appear like a hypocrite telling people jc life rocks and i find it a breeze cause in actualy fact, it's NOT and jc sucks like hell. I won't encourage my friends or relatives to come to tj. It's not that i'm disloyal to the school that nutures me or whatsoever. JC life really sucks and i want to be honest and make sure they are fully aware of the consequences before coming into an institute like the one i'm stuck in now.

People tell me that i only have to spend two years in jc and that's all. I must study hard and just bear with it. Two years only should be fine. It's easier said than done. I also know i have to work hard and grit my teeth and try my utmost best to bear with the stress and carry on with life in jc... Honestly, i can't survive jc without complaining or hating it. I can't stare into the person's face and pretend that there's no tinge of stress in jc and i'm surviving well. i'm bloody well not surviving; i'm dying in jc can? I especially hate it even more when people tell me to do well to make my parents proud of me => piling more stress on me. I hate it when people help me map out my course of life. Many of my relatives expect me to do well, give me that admirable stare and go university. Let me relate an incident that got me super pissed off... My uncle asked me which year i was in and what or where i intend to do or go after a levels. I said i'm not too sure. His son aka my cousin interrupted us and said in a sarcastic tone "ai yah! Don't bluff lah. You are in jc now. Confirm go university what." The first word that surfaced in my mind was 'asshole'. Go JC confirm must go uni meh? I don't like people to dictate my life and force their expectations on me. This is my life! MY LIFE! Please don't assume that i'll go to university or force your expectations on me. it kills me!

I need a break from the monotony if life. I need to breathe and lead a life that i want. I need rest, i need time, i need to get a grip. What is my life?