stressed

Just as i'm trying to pick myself up, someone had to demoralise me and add on to my stress... Life is really full of ups and downs. I must learn to be strong.

To my tutor:

Just because i didn't pass my chemistry test doesn't mean i'm not serious in my work. Don't assume the smile on my face shows that i'm an idiot who doesn't yet know the full impact of a levels. Even teachers want to steal the precious smile that i can hardly squeeze out away from me... To my chem teacher, please don't use the words "You are not serious in your work" on me ever again. If not i'll hamtam you and dump you into a pool of piranhas.

If i'm not serious about my work, i won't even bother to study for my tests till wee hours i the morning. Sacrificing my beauty sleep and stretching my body to its limits. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't stay up late to chiong my chemistry tutorials. I had to literally force my eyes open especially after a long day spent in school due to guitar. Nobody knows but my health is compromised as a result of burning the midnight oil. My gastric pain is back. More vicious this time. I'd never had gastric pain for years. I fall ill easily to the extent that i'm sick of falling ill... I miss my once healthy body. Nescafe used to keep my awake but it has lost its effect on me cause i'd been relying on it too much. Perhaps, i've developed a tolerance level for it.

If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to force myself awake and pay attention during your period. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to ask you questions when in doubt. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't even bother to attend your tutorial in the first place.

So, dear teacher, please do not assume that i'm not serious in my work!! (F***) Eve though i'm not performing well or up to your expectations, i've already done my best. Can't anyone just give me some encouragements for that. Compared to last year, i'm actually more serious in my work. What about " as long as you'd done your best, it's ok" kind of motivational talk. Your motivation only served to demoralise us and make us bloody stressed. Thanks for telling me that those who do not do well in lecture tests would most probably not do well for a levels. Thanks for the wake up call and encouragement you had showered upon me! It seems to reaffirm me the fact that i'm not cut out to be in jc... Life sucks. JC sucks. I suck. You suck.

End of the letter...

Honestly, i really have no idea what i'd been doing for the past few months in jc. I don't remember passing any test. Maybe there is but the number is so so insignificant that i can't even remember... Feel like slapping myself and tearing my hair out. I don't know what i'm doing as well. My whole bloody damn life in jc is all about failing? Even though i hate to admit, but it's kind of true...

I need to be strong. I need to be stronger. Save me! I need power!