rain collector

i've always think it's unfair to dump my misery and emo shit on others. It's like adding on to their troubles and burden. Sometimes, i think only i can be the solution to my own problems so i don't see the point in telling people. So, i create a barrier around myself and hoping i'll gain some enlightenment on my own. Hence, i can't tell people straight in their faces that i'm troubled. The only way i can let out my pent up feelings is to write. Even if i do tell people my woes, i'll feel apologetic after that despite the many times they had told me that it's alright. Hence, i end up bottling things in me.

The frenzy headless aimless paper chase is dragging me down.

The other day, i was chatting to a friend on msn and she shared with me her problems. I tried to assure her that things are going to be alright. But i feel like a hypocrite right after because i myself, do not suscribe to the view. It's a tiring cyclical thing whereby i feel emo, recover and feel that life isn't that bleak anymore, back to emo, and life is getting better, emo over my shitty life, happy again, emo, back to normal. during the phases of emo, i think i've reached a higher realm that is to feel emo that i'm emo.

tears just roll down while i stare blankly at the computer screen.

even though mum is just below, i choose not to let her know.

The last straw came when i started typing the word 'depression' and goggled it. It seems like i do have a significant number of symptoms listed.

Is it an over exaggeration? an overwhelming pessimism. Maybe i'm going through some difficult time. Maybe i need time to adapt. maybe it's just mood swing.

But it's been some time my mood has been down and up. I thought it was due to i was staying in hall, away from my family. But now, i'm at HOME and yet i'm still feeling this sense of bleakness and hopelessness. And i do feel lonely even though i'm surrounded by people. And i cry at odd times and unexplainable situations. And the saddest thing of all is i've lost the hazel i used to know.

To my dearest friends out there... Please don't worry about me. As mentioned above, i'll feel apologetic for making people worry. This entry is not meant to cause any distress to anyone. I'm too much of a coward to be suicidal. ( just a form to pour out my emo nonsense)

eyes are freaking swollen after the unexplainable fall of tears just now. or maybe 'rain of tears' would be more apt a description.

Perhaps it's part and parcel of growing up. Now you know why people dread growing up... ...

it gets so sickening that nothing you do seems right...

sometimes, i wonder who can save me and the answer is ME.