I went berserk on tuesday. I behaved like a spoilt brat. stress?? even though i don't think it was very much linked to the tests. It was more of the sudden overwhelming exhaustion, jadedness for life, the thought of living this kind of life made me nauseated. It was because my life had become too predictable, too monotonous, too boring that resulted in me being myopic and couldn't see the point of living. Plus, the lack of sleep was creeping up and attacking my emotions. I'm that kind that needs a lot of sleep. Insufficient sleep will result in me morphing into some freaking time bomb or something. Just waiting for the right moment to explode.
Now. i feel so embarrassed at how i had behaved on tuesday. I wanted to give up studying for my quizzes. The childish, rebellious, disobedient part was acting. SW who meant good, was explaining to me some principles on life but i chose to interpret it otherwise. ( i thought he was telling me to go study which i didn't want to and so the rebellious streak acted up) I know it's childish. Frustrations mounted in me and i just left my room after leaving a note to my roomie and instructed her not to call SW (see...so childish) and my phone was left abandoned on my table. SW, managed to catch up with me cause apparently, he saw me leaving my blk. At that point in time, i must honestly admit that i wasn't really happy cause i just desperately wanted to be left alone. but now, i'm thankful SW stuck to me and accompanied me. I was near suicidal that time. (ok the last sentence is meant to be a joke.) We went to nie and i just sat there watching people play tennis and it was mostly silence cause i didn't feel like talking. (immature!)
I tried to escape reality by not wanting to go back to my room. I was half dragged back by SW. I was angry at myself, not him, for being such a weakling. Such an escapist. Such a coward. Such a ninny. The moment i reached my room. I just sat quietly at my desk, plugged into my earphones and placed my head on the table. The tears just came running down even though i was listening to 'live your life' by TI feat rihanna which was NOT a sad song. According to my roomie who came back later, she said SW had the helpless look when she asked him what had happened. She could sense the ominous aura the moment she stepped into our room.
To Nga Songwei,
I'm sorry for my childish immature laughable behaviour. It was really bad of me. Even my mum had scolded me. Which was very true. I deserved to be scolded. Being my bf is just a tough job. I'm too emo le. Although i had apologised to you and you had reassured that it's alright. Nevertheless, i still feel very apologetic. Cause i've made you worry, i've make your ass hurt (pain in the ass), i'm always emoing, i'm weak, i'm a burden. i'm such a complicated piece of shit that even at times i hate myself too. Haha! I love you and thank you for never leaving me to mope alone. Thanks for the support and just for being there. (i'm glad u were ard on tues even though i didn't look so because i was having internal struggles with myself. REALLY ABSOLUTELY NTH TO DO WITH YOU)
To roomie mingyan,
Thanks for being there to support me. We went for a walk after that. She knew i was too cooped up in our little room. We talked and i felt whole load better after sharing.
To Mel,
It's going to be alright. Even though it doesn't look like it is now but things will get better. Nothing lasts forever, not even troubles. And like what you had told me, it's ok to emo. No harm done. We're just expressing our feelings tt's all. Smile!! tk care and sleep early. Shall meet up when u;re less busy k! Love ya!
to chan mali/pang-nie,
Thanks for your support. Thanks for your 'best of luck' wishes. Thanks for listening to the grouses. Thanks for your encouraging smses. You know what i miss most in ntu? a friend like you.
Valentine's day is coming!! haha!! Even the area near canteen A has a lot of stores selling v day related stuff. Our hall just had a subcomm appreciation cum v day dinner. Love is really in the air. I'm in a loving mood too.
Ruiying's missing
Can you spot the underlying message?? Haha! It's seriously meant to be a joke.
Ya.... Nga songwei, don't panic
Singtel organised this 'express yourself' thing. Got to write a msg for the special someone and if it's good, we get to stand a chance to win X box! i repeat X BOX. SW wanted the x box and i rendered my help because if he really won the x box, half of it shall be mine.
So, i came up a poem and some idiotically funny phrases. HAHAHA!!
I want to sleep. Shall blog about what idiotic or nauseous-inducing mushy things i've written another time. Au revoir!
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