rain collector

How come i was never told that growing up is so difficult??

There are many stories and theories on teenage angst but not much on the transition from teenage to adulthood. A child being thrown into the adult's world. How overwhelming it will be...

How growing up is tough on me:
-i've become less happy, less cheerful, less optimistic. I see the world with either a pessismistic or overly realistic outlook. I'm sullen and preoccupied more often now.
-i keep thinking of somewhat philosophical things and sometimes, do get quite upset about it. I'm just thinking too far ahead.
-i'm easily tired over life. To explain from another point of view, i'm taking things for granted? That's why i get sick of life so easily because i haven't seen more shittier lives in this world. I'm just deluding and being a coward trying to escape from reality. I'm spoilt, pampered, weak for not being able to stand the toughness of life. Perhaps, i can't stomach adversities. People like me, if i were to be thrown into the cruel nature of life, would be auto-eliminated.
-i enjoy arguing with myself. I'll be thinking from pt a of view, pt b of view, pt c and so on. In the end i don't get any answer which adds on to my frustrations. To sum up, i'll be running in circles. For what and to where? what for?
-i've become a calculative, gloomy, sullen, selfish bitch
-i'm confused most of the time
-Maybe i care too much about 'happiness'. That's why it's making me unhappy. Regardless of whether it makes sense or not. I'm caught up with happiness so much so that i'm in an anguish when i'm not happy.
-sometimes, i feel i'm not selfish enough...
-i enjoy pushing people away from me. Wedging a barrier between me and others.
-my problems... nah! they are just too sophisticated to be explained... You know all the grown-up stuff.... yea...
-i don't trust people that i don't know well and neither do i trust myself.
-'insecurity' is my constant companion

growing up is so tiring... is it a late onset of teenage angst? (but i had before. The period of hating my parents... haha!)

i feel like letting go, i feel like breaking free, i feel like giving up...

i've sunk back into my cocoon again. Only i can break myself free...