I'm so so so tired...
Barely have the energy to move...
I only have enough energy left to do some typing for today's entry...
I think it's pretty complicated how people of differing opinions can come together and be friends. In life, these people have to learnt to cast aside those differences and be friends. You know people had always said that it's important to put aside those differences and be open minded about such stuff. We have to learn to accept others for who they are. It's easier said than done.
I think the fault lies in me. It took me much reflection to come to terms with it. Why do i have to let others decide how i feel? I lead my own life, i have absolute control over my own emotions. Why do i have to get upset over things that i have no foot in? Most people can't change the way i feel, why do i expect others to listen to my opinion as well? I know i'm not perfect, nobody's perfect, why should i expect others to be perfect as well? I have no rights to force my opinion on others, eexpecting people to mete out what i say. Hence, it's wrong of me to feel irritated over such slight stuff...
I'd done what i should have done. I'd said my piece. It's up to the person to either follow what i'd said or simply sweep them under the carpet. My responsibility ends there and i have no right to butt into others' lives.
Do i really want to do that? Turn a blind eye to the obvious facts that nothing good comes out of it and people will end up getting hurt? Heck everything and not pre-empt others about the imminent danger...
I don't have the heart to see my closed ones ending up hurt. I will do what i can and should as a friend while keeping my temper in check constantly. I shall refrain from rolling my eyes cause it'll enlarge my sockets and one fine day my eyeballs will roll out of the dark hole into the pacific ocean and eaten up by sharks.In another words, my eyes will be gone case. I'm not confident till i can pretend nonchalant to stuff that will revolt me especially in the mid section of my body which is the stomach. My stomach is ultra sensitive and some stuff can leave me puking till my face turn purple and my toes go black. I don't think i'm a good listener cause i'll end up day dreaming or go puking in the midst of the conversation. I try to be discreet with regards to my emotions and refrain from bitching too much. Like what i'd said earlier, it's all my fault cause i'm not perfect...
What i'm positively sure that when the red alarm sounds and the sun turn grey, i'll be there at the end of the dark tunnel for my closed freinds. It's through pain that men learn. I'll drop hints when time calls for it but i shall not get upset when my hints are left uncollected or thrown down into the drain. Keep my temper in check. Once again, i'm super duper confident to give my closed ones the strength to carry on and bring smiles on their faces...
In the meantime, i shall continue with my whatsoever resentment or disgust i may have either bottled inside or flush down the toilet bowl.
Anyway, i'm bloody tired... I don't even know what i had typed above make sense or not...
My mum, aunty and cousins came to the bus stop to fetch me home. It's pretty amazing how this little act left me feeling all so fuzzy inside. It's like hot chocolate pouring over my heart, leaving me blissful and safe. I feel bad for neglecting my family these past few months since most of my time has been dedicated to the school.Even though i'm at home, i'll be either trying to catch up some sleep or holed up in my room doing my stuff. I think i'm not contributing as much i like to the family. The way they show their support and concern for me by walking a 6 minutes walk from home to the bus stop fetch me left me feeling emotional although i didn't admit when they pressed me on how i felt when i saw them...
As much as i want to be perfect, i'm also aware of my limitations.
Let's hope stress doesn't consume me like some kind of vacuum cleaner sucking up dirt...
I can do it!
Hazel, believe in yourself because you're not dirt...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Dun look grown up
I've officially dropped econs to h1 level. The transition stage is going to be tough as i have to adapt to new things but life goes on and econs will hopefully get easier...
I'm killing my brain cells over chemistry supplementary questions. CHemisty has the evil potential to kill... ARGH!!
I think i'm so so so busy nowadays. I spend more time in school than at home. I think i'm missing out alot of things happening within the family like delicious food and the usual stuff that i used to take for granted. My conversations with my family can add up to less than five sentences in a day. I'm saddened by that but life has to go on right? Anyway, things will be better in one month's time i guess, after syf is over.
I can end up spending more than 12 hours in school. Loathe the sight of school. I do nothing except to eat, bathe and sleep at home. This is only the first week of school and i already feel like dying. Must be at the midnight oil i had burnt to do homework.I'm sufferring from sleep deficit ... It's part and parcel of life when you're in jc. Like which jc student will get to enjoy 8 hours of beauty sleep. Certainly will be less than 10%. At this age (18), this is when sleep is important. What an irony. Try telling the school that... I'll get more sleep if there's lesser tests to be studied or homework.
Tests are supposed to let us apply the things we had learnt. assess on our learning conditions. Give us a chance to learn from our mistakes and hopefully not commit the same mistakes again. Tests are supposedly for us to pace our learning and stuff.
As if i have the time to study for the tests. Even if i studied, my brain will be too tired to function properly and i always end up with mental blocks thus flunking my tests. I'm so sick of failing...
Can anyone tell me how to cure/prevent mental blocks?
Anyway, let's not continue with unhappy stuff. went to my uncle's house this evening to take a look at his newborn. It's a girl. I can't imagine i used to be like this small when i was born 18 years ago. Can't believe i'm 18 years old already. Late adolescent stage which i'm still trying to come to terms with it. Will i grow up?
Uncle: (to my cousin) Wow! You've grown taller.
Uncle: (to me) You seemed to have shrunk.
Me: (Stumped) ... WHAT?!
Uncle: You sec what?
Me: JC 2
Uncle: What? So you're 16 ...?
Me: going to be 18 soon...
Uncle: 18??!!! (in a booming voice)
Uncle: You don't look like you're 18. You look small...
Me: HUH?!
Some people had already told me that i look younger than my age because i have chins (double chin) and chubby face. But i look at myself in the mirror. I think i look ok what. I look like 18 ma... During the chinese new year, alot of relatives thought that i was still in secondary school. My parents also don't treat me like a 18 years old young adult. My cousin thinks i don't look like JC2. i look like secondary 3/4... Weird... Why like that?
Ok. Enough rantings... Back to committing suicide. Kill brain cells as i do chemistry....
I'm killing my brain cells over chemistry supplementary questions. CHemisty has the evil potential to kill... ARGH!!
I think i'm so so so busy nowadays. I spend more time in school than at home. I think i'm missing out alot of things happening within the family like delicious food and the usual stuff that i used to take for granted. My conversations with my family can add up to less than five sentences in a day. I'm saddened by that but life has to go on right? Anyway, things will be better in one month's time i guess, after syf is over.
I can end up spending more than 12 hours in school. Loathe the sight of school. I do nothing except to eat, bathe and sleep at home. This is only the first week of school and i already feel like dying. Must be at the midnight oil i had burnt to do homework.I'm sufferring from sleep deficit ... It's part and parcel of life when you're in jc. Like which jc student will get to enjoy 8 hours of beauty sleep. Certainly will be less than 10%. At this age (18), this is when sleep is important. What an irony. Try telling the school that... I'll get more sleep if there's lesser tests to be studied or homework.
Tests are supposed to let us apply the things we had learnt. assess on our learning conditions. Give us a chance to learn from our mistakes and hopefully not commit the same mistakes again. Tests are supposedly for us to pace our learning and stuff.
As if i have the time to study for the tests. Even if i studied, my brain will be too tired to function properly and i always end up with mental blocks thus flunking my tests. I'm so sick of failing...
Can anyone tell me how to cure/prevent mental blocks?
Anyway, let's not continue with unhappy stuff. went to my uncle's house this evening to take a look at his newborn. It's a girl. I can't imagine i used to be like this small when i was born 18 years ago. Can't believe i'm 18 years old already. Late adolescent stage which i'm still trying to come to terms with it. Will i grow up?
Uncle: (to my cousin) Wow! You've grown taller.
Uncle: (to me) You seemed to have shrunk.
Me: (Stumped) ... WHAT?!
Uncle: You sec what?
Me: JC 2
Uncle: What? So you're 16 ...?
Me: going to be 18 soon...
Uncle: 18??!!! (in a booming voice)
Uncle: You don't look like you're 18. You look small...
Me: HUH?!
Some people had already told me that i look younger than my age because i have chins (double chin) and chubby face. But i look at myself in the mirror. I think i look ok what. I look like 18 ma... During the chinese new year, alot of relatives thought that i was still in secondary school. My parents also don't treat me like a 18 years old young adult. My cousin thinks i don't look like JC2. i look like secondary 3/4... Weird... Why like that?
Ok. Enough rantings... Back to committing suicide. Kill brain cells as i do chemistry....
Friday, March 16, 2007
CRAMPS
AH!!!!!!!
I think i'm going to die of pain... It's not a good way to start a blog entry by saying that i want to die... But i really think i'm going to die... My stomach is cramping badly!! Die...die...die...
Went on a study date with Chan Mali Chan... Studied vectors... Vectors is... horrible... The topic can make people die, wake up again, puke and die again... That's how potent vectors is... I hate vectors! ARGH!!!
After agonising for 3 hours while studying vectors, we decided to give up and go shopping instead. Went orchard!! Yay!!
We walked around looking for my things.. hehehe! I saw a shorts which was pretty cool in my opinion. Unfortunately, it was way above my budget. We came to the conclusion that i have expensive taste. The things i like tend to be expensive... Really ah? Then die liao...
AH!!!!!! I want the pair of shorts... It's so nice can?! Fell in love with it at first sight...
I want a new pair of shoes as well. A new pair of shoes! Was bugging my mum to buy one for me but she faked nonchalant. I poked her, telling her to donate some money to me to buy new shoes but she pretended i do not exist... EEYEER!! so bad!! Nevermind. I shall not give up. Must be persistent! I shall continue to bug her until she relent to buy me a pair of shoes. I'll only shut up when she promise to buy me a pair of new shoes... *evil laughter*
Went out with Layling ytd. YEAH!! My lao po! It's pretty saddening that we seldom get to see each other. But absence makes the heart fonder... Love you Layling!!
I'm using my blog to express my love sia *blush*... wahaha!! I have alot of girlfriends come to think of it... zero boyfriend... *sniggers*
We had lunch at tampines mall's pizza hut. It was mine n ruiying's treat for layling to celebrate her belated birthday. Guess what i saw... pizzahut has this metal cylinder with holes on top for customers to sprinkle cheese on our food. There was this small boy sitting at the table next to ours... He was licking the top of the cylinder, licking the holes of the metal lid... licking licking licking... while his guardians were oblivious to that!!! OMG!! Layling and i just sprinkled cheese on our pizzas before that. Imagine one child comes into pizzahut and lick the metal holes where all the cheese come out each day. There are 365 days per year. One year, there will be 365 different types of saliva on the cheese sprinkler... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think i'm not going to sprinkle extra cheese on my food anymore. Unless the cheese comes in packets... *puke*
I think i must change... Alot of people are telling me that i'm man! Oh god!! Where's my sec school's motto 'demure and resolute'? The four years my sec sch had painstakingly tried to integrate and reinforce of beinf 'demure and resolute' has gone down into the Kallang river... I must become more girly. I shall wear more skirts, act more girly, paint my nails, comb my hair properly, wear high heels and be a lady man! I'm going to revamp my wardrobe... help...
AH!!! Stomach cramps continue. I don't like to be a girl anymore. Now, im contradicting myself...
I think i'm going to die of pain... It's not a good way to start a blog entry by saying that i want to die... But i really think i'm going to die... My stomach is cramping badly!! Die...die...die...
Went on a study date with Chan Mali Chan... Studied vectors... Vectors is... horrible... The topic can make people die, wake up again, puke and die again... That's how potent vectors is... I hate vectors! ARGH!!!
After agonising for 3 hours while studying vectors, we decided to give up and go shopping instead. Went orchard!! Yay!!
We walked around looking for my things.. hehehe! I saw a shorts which was pretty cool in my opinion. Unfortunately, it was way above my budget. We came to the conclusion that i have expensive taste. The things i like tend to be expensive... Really ah? Then die liao...
AH!!!!!! I want the pair of shorts... It's so nice can?! Fell in love with it at first sight...
I want a new pair of shoes as well. A new pair of shoes! Was bugging my mum to buy one for me but she faked nonchalant. I poked her, telling her to donate some money to me to buy new shoes but she pretended i do not exist... EEYEER!! so bad!! Nevermind. I shall not give up. Must be persistent! I shall continue to bug her until she relent to buy me a pair of shoes. I'll only shut up when she promise to buy me a pair of new shoes... *evil laughter*
Went out with Layling ytd. YEAH!! My lao po! It's pretty saddening that we seldom get to see each other. But absence makes the heart fonder... Love you Layling!!
I'm using my blog to express my love sia *blush*... wahaha!! I have alot of girlfriends come to think of it... zero boyfriend... *sniggers*
We had lunch at tampines mall's pizza hut. It was mine n ruiying's treat for layling to celebrate her belated birthday. Guess what i saw... pizzahut has this metal cylinder with holes on top for customers to sprinkle cheese on our food. There was this small boy sitting at the table next to ours... He was licking the top of the cylinder, licking the holes of the metal lid... licking licking licking... while his guardians were oblivious to that!!! OMG!! Layling and i just sprinkled cheese on our pizzas before that. Imagine one child comes into pizzahut and lick the metal holes where all the cheese come out each day. There are 365 days per year. One year, there will be 365 different types of saliva on the cheese sprinkler... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think i'm not going to sprinkle extra cheese on my food anymore. Unless the cheese comes in packets... *puke*
I think i must change... Alot of people are telling me that i'm man! Oh god!! Where's my sec school's motto 'demure and resolute'? The four years my sec sch had painstakingly tried to integrate and reinforce of beinf 'demure and resolute' has gone down into the Kallang river... I must become more girly. I shall wear more skirts, act more girly, paint my nails, comb my hair properly, wear high heels and be a lady man! I'm going to revamp my wardrobe... help...
AH!!! Stomach cramps continue. I don't like to be a girl anymore. Now, im contradicting myself...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
bgr
I don't know why i'm typing this entry. I have nothing much to blog about. Just feel like typing a blog entry although i have no idea what to type... Nvm... this shall be a random blog entry. Just type what i like...
Took a walk after watching TV. I like the night breeze... Feeling it brushed across my face, purrfect! I was happily strolling when this car zoomed from the back to beside me. We were at the bend of the road. There was a taxi dashing in a direction opposite the car. The driver blasted his horn at the taxi driver, totally oblivious to the fact that i was just two metres away from his bloody car. OUCH!!! My earholes were so damn painful after that. I was so worried i'll get temporary loss of hearing and it'll be the driver's fault. Pooi!
My aunty suddenly asked me whether i have bf. I was pretty shocked cause it was very random. I think i'm pretty cynical of bgr kind of thing... Wahaha!! I have no time to indulge in such stuff la... Plus, i'm cut out to be an atrocious gf. I'm ultra feminist, tomboyish, not meticulous, eat alot, difficult to fathom, difficult to please, picky/fussy, lazy etc etc... I shall not put all my bad points if not it'll seem as though i'm demeaning myself. Of course i have a fair share of good points. There's no absolute perfection in this world. Now, i'm contradicting myself...
To people like my aunty who are concerned about my welfare, I don't have a bf. Period. Saw this quote somewhere: "No boyfriend, no trouble" I kind of subscribe to it...
Some people may argue that life can be pretty boring and lonely without a guy by my side...
I can self entertain plus i can always fall back on my friends whenever i'm floating dead in a sea of problems or in need for fun. I can have fun with friends as well...
Wow! I sound so sceptical of bgr thing... Wahaha!
Maybe i'm just not prepared for bgr stuff plus there's zero opportunity for me... Hehe!! Tell me tjc's guys are not bad and i'll go commit suicide immediately... I didn't say that tjc guys are bad ok... i didn't... did i? (sniggers)
Wah! Didn't know what to type at first and ended up typing so much... wahaha! That's how random i can get. A large chunk of today's blog entry is dedicated to my view on bgr.. why? Wahaha!! This is how random i can get... :P
Took a walk after watching TV. I like the night breeze... Feeling it brushed across my face, purrfect! I was happily strolling when this car zoomed from the back to beside me. We were at the bend of the road. There was a taxi dashing in a direction opposite the car. The driver blasted his horn at the taxi driver, totally oblivious to the fact that i was just two metres away from his bloody car. OUCH!!! My earholes were so damn painful after that. I was so worried i'll get temporary loss of hearing and it'll be the driver's fault. Pooi!
My aunty suddenly asked me whether i have bf. I was pretty shocked cause it was very random. I think i'm pretty cynical of bgr kind of thing... Wahaha!! I have no time to indulge in such stuff la... Plus, i'm cut out to be an atrocious gf. I'm ultra feminist, tomboyish, not meticulous, eat alot, difficult to fathom, difficult to please, picky/fussy, lazy etc etc... I shall not put all my bad points if not it'll seem as though i'm demeaning myself. Of course i have a fair share of good points. There's no absolute perfection in this world. Now, i'm contradicting myself...
To people like my aunty who are concerned about my welfare, I don't have a bf. Period. Saw this quote somewhere: "No boyfriend, no trouble" I kind of subscribe to it...
Some people may argue that life can be pretty boring and lonely without a guy by my side...
I can self entertain plus i can always fall back on my friends whenever i'm floating dead in a sea of problems or in need for fun. I can have fun with friends as well...
Wow! I sound so sceptical of bgr thing... Wahaha!
Maybe i'm just not prepared for bgr stuff plus there's zero opportunity for me... Hehe!! Tell me tjc's guys are not bad and i'll go commit suicide immediately... I didn't say that tjc guys are bad ok... i didn't... did i? (sniggers)
Wah! Didn't know what to type at first and ended up typing so much... wahaha! That's how random i can get. A large chunk of today's blog entry is dedicated to my view on bgr.. why? Wahaha!! This is how random i can get... :P
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
It's March holidays now... I'd been anticipating it since day one in school. Turn out, march holidays is equally sucky as well. But better than normal school days.At least i don't have to drag myself out of bed at 5.50 am. At least i don't have to go to school and sleep during boring lectures. At least i don't have to go to school and endure seeing people that i have no whatsoever wish to see. A time to rest? Question mark because there is a mount everest like amount of homework to be done. I think teachers do not have any idea what is one week. They either intepret one week as one month or worse still, one year... Bloody sickening homework. Puke!
Holidays being holidays, we should learn to relax and have fun at the same time. Unleash all the stress and unhappiness built up during the term. My method of unleashing all my pressure is to go cycling at the beach and gorge myself with sumptuous food!
My ponytail!
My bike has a pink bell. Cool sia!
East Coast Beach
I squinted! So horrible looking! The sun was too glaring...
Salivation time!
More food to make you DROOL!!!
Prawn roll in my right cheek!
The prawn roll is still swimming in my cheek! Amazing!
Huichan gorging herself with food!
Whenever, i feel stressed or in need to relieve myself from the mundane life, food is a best source of comfort. I feel contented and blissful whenever there's delicious food that fill the emptiness in my tummy. which explains why the more stressed i am, the more i eat, the fatter i become. Wahaha!! I rather die a blissful contented fat soul than be a skinny deprived stressed out mummy.
Holidays being holidays, we should learn to relax and have fun at the same time. Unleash all the stress and unhappiness built up during the term. My method of unleashing all my pressure is to go cycling at the beach and gorge myself with sumptuous food!
My ponytail!
My bike has a pink bell. Cool sia!
East Coast Beach
I squinted! So horrible looking! The sun was too glaring...After exercising, Huichan and i went to bugis for lunch. Ajisen! Japanese food! I'm a huge craze of japanese food! Yay!! *lick my lips*
Salivation time!I ordered the wrong type of noodles. Not to my liking...My meat had alot of fats. I have a strong aversion to fats. Whenever i eat fatty chunks of meat, i'll spit out the fats. I've been told by alot of people that it's disgusting to spit out the food that i've chewed. Besides that, fats taste nice! It's the fats that make the meat delicious blah blah blah... I think it's because of some genes that i have that make me dislike fats. I have the 'don't like fats' genes. I can't withstand the feeling of munching on the slimy, gooey, slippery, mashy fats. Ah!!!!! Nightmare!!!!!!!!
More food to make you DROOL!!!
Prawn roll in my right cheek!
The prawn roll is still swimming in my cheek! Amazing!
Huichan gorging herself with food!
Whenever, i feel stressed or in need to relieve myself from the mundane life, food is a best source of comfort. I feel contented and blissful whenever there's delicious food that fill the emptiness in my tummy. which explains why the more stressed i am, the more i eat, the fatter i become. Wahaha!! I rather die a blissful contented fat soul than be a skinny deprived stressed out mummy.
Life is great when there's food around... Temporary source of comfort. but better than nothing right?
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Inspired!
Bedok's swimming pool. Thurs was my last swimming lesson there...
Was feeling bored and forced Huichan to take a photo with me. The sun was damn glaring...
Watermelon juice! My favourite fruit juice that leaves me feeling blissful after drowing myself with it.
Temasek Idol on friday under LT1.
Crowd gathering to watch the temasek's idolsWent to NUS open house today. In the end, i decided to go.. wahaha!! The place was mighty far away from my house ok... The journey was damn long and frustrating. I hate commuting... Waste of time.
NUS is like super duper humongous man! I think i'll get lost if i study there. Need to bring a map and compass to school everyday. Even if i have a compass, i'll still get lost. Reason is simply: I don't know how to use a compass. LAUGH!! I think i made a wise decision to go there. At least i now have a rough idea what i want to pursue in future. It also left me feeling inspired to do well so that i can get into the course i want. So, i shall cross my fingers now and work real real hard and prove my teacher wrong. Diminish all the opinions he has of me... That damn picker!
suddenly i'm at a loss for words, it's tiring to aim for perfection....
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I'm supposed to swim today... But i chao keng and fake period anyway. I know i'm a bad girl but seriously, i wasn't in the mood to swim. So, a few of us gathered near the pool and gossiped as usual. Adillia wants to be my best friend. Reason is simply, Hady lives near me and adillia loves hady to bits. Ehh... actually i'm not too sure about the 'to bits' part. What i can gather is that she definitely does like Hady. From my room's window, i can actually peer into Hady's house and stalk at him. Stalker!! Hehehe!! Adillia is so jealous of me... She suggested that i organise a class bbq at my house in the name to know more about my family and most importantly, our neighbours. Adillia is so funny man...
Anyway, i want to complain!!!!! Huichan is disgusting! She pinched me using the exact same hands to eat KFC's popcorn chicken before she actually pinched me. She's disgusting cause she didn't wash her hands after eating.. OMG!! In shrt, she used her oily, sticky, dirty, grimey hands to pinch my flawless face. I can feel pimples popping out on my face now... EeeyeeeR!!!! SO, stay far far away from Huichan especially after lunch!
Anyway, i was so tired on the way home that i fell asleep and missed my stop. Damn it! Fortunately, i managed to wake up one stop after the stop i was supposed to alight. If not, i'll end up crying for help at one ulu part of singapore. Had to walk under the freaking hot sun home. It was a long long journey... ... The moral of the story is : Do not sleep on the bus.
Huichan and i saw a weird person today. I think it's pretty saddening that he ended up in this state now that i think of that. This guy we saw was perhaps in his early forties or so. He was clutching a doll to his chest and talking to it, patting its head, hugging it and kissing it. He was somewhat living in a world of his own, with the doll of course. I laughed cause i thought he resembled Mr Bean and his bear but i soon felt very bad afterwards. I'm feeling terribly sorry for the guy now... I feel so guilty. The doll was from Macdonald's. I think the doll had accompanied that guy for very long cause i think i'd seen the release of the doll when i was very young. Ronald used to have friends. A purple monster which somewhat looked like a purple cookie monster, a girl with puffy french fries looking brown hair and had thick lips which looked a cross between a bird and human and a joker like guy who dons a black mask and hat and wears clothes that has black and white stripes looking like a thief. That guy we saw was clutching the doll which looked like a prisoner/ wears clothes with black and white stripes. I think the guy is abit not right up there and i find it extremely pitiful. I'm regretful of my actions cause i was insensitive and actually giggled at him...
My retribution came in the form of missing my stop soon after. Had to risk being mummified while walking under the hot sun on the way home.
I think singapore's society is rather stressful. Life in JC is one good example. I think the current education system sucks and only serves to stifle our creativity. Everyone is working their asses off in the pursuit of A's. At the end of the day, do we actually have a life of our own in the first place? On and off, i'll grumble to my friends that my life sucks. I think they are sick of hearing that, even i'm sick of saying that my life sucks. In fact, my life does sucks lah. It's difficult for me to pretend that my life now is a bed of roses and i'm rolling on it, savouring every single moment. Like shit! I was just wondering there's a possibility i'll succumb to stress one day and become like the man we saw today. The only different thing is that i'll choose to lug and talk to a soft-toy of Pikachu instead. Pikachu is so much adorable! It electrocutes all my stress away.
I'm sorry for being such an irritatin asshole this morning at the swimming pool as well. I was rambling to my friends that i don't have a childhood. To be exact, i had a childhood was it was too short... I miss my childhood loads... I started singing songs like 'spongebob', 'sesame street', 'mickey mouse', 'hi 5' etc etc... I think i irritated my friends to the verge of jumping into the pool so as to escape my horrendous singing. Hehe!
I felt fat cause i'd been eating lots of fast food for the past few days.
Monday: Long John's
Wed: Mos burger
Today: KFC
Decided to go running to burn off some fats and build up my stamina at the same time. Guess what?! I was so lucky to pick up a hongbao on the floor while running. Got 12 bucks inside leh. Hence, i think that running is good fore health and pocket. This is my second time picking a hongbao up from the floor while running. Whee! So lucky sia... :D
Anyway, i want to complain!!!!! Huichan is disgusting! She pinched me using the exact same hands to eat KFC's popcorn chicken before she actually pinched me. She's disgusting cause she didn't wash her hands after eating.. OMG!! In shrt, she used her oily, sticky, dirty, grimey hands to pinch my flawless face. I can feel pimples popping out on my face now... EeeyeeeR!!!! SO, stay far far away from Huichan especially after lunch!
Anyway, i was so tired on the way home that i fell asleep and missed my stop. Damn it! Fortunately, i managed to wake up one stop after the stop i was supposed to alight. If not, i'll end up crying for help at one ulu part of singapore. Had to walk under the freaking hot sun home. It was a long long journey... ... The moral of the story is : Do not sleep on the bus.
Huichan and i saw a weird person today. I think it's pretty saddening that he ended up in this state now that i think of that. This guy we saw was perhaps in his early forties or so. He was clutching a doll to his chest and talking to it, patting its head, hugging it and kissing it. He was somewhat living in a world of his own, with the doll of course. I laughed cause i thought he resembled Mr Bean and his bear but i soon felt very bad afterwards. I'm feeling terribly sorry for the guy now... I feel so guilty. The doll was from Macdonald's. I think the doll had accompanied that guy for very long cause i think i'd seen the release of the doll when i was very young. Ronald used to have friends. A purple monster which somewhat looked like a purple cookie monster, a girl with puffy french fries looking brown hair and had thick lips which looked a cross between a bird and human and a joker like guy who dons a black mask and hat and wears clothes that has black and white stripes looking like a thief. That guy we saw was clutching the doll which looked like a prisoner/ wears clothes with black and white stripes. I think the guy is abit not right up there and i find it extremely pitiful. I'm regretful of my actions cause i was insensitive and actually giggled at him...
My retribution came in the form of missing my stop soon after. Had to risk being mummified while walking under the hot sun on the way home.
I think singapore's society is rather stressful. Life in JC is one good example. I think the current education system sucks and only serves to stifle our creativity. Everyone is working their asses off in the pursuit of A's. At the end of the day, do we actually have a life of our own in the first place? On and off, i'll grumble to my friends that my life sucks. I think they are sick of hearing that, even i'm sick of saying that my life sucks. In fact, my life does sucks lah. It's difficult for me to pretend that my life now is a bed of roses and i'm rolling on it, savouring every single moment. Like shit! I was just wondering there's a possibility i'll succumb to stress one day and become like the man we saw today. The only different thing is that i'll choose to lug and talk to a soft-toy of Pikachu instead. Pikachu is so much adorable! It electrocutes all my stress away.
I'm sorry for being such an irritatin asshole this morning at the swimming pool as well. I was rambling to my friends that i don't have a childhood. To be exact, i had a childhood was it was too short... I miss my childhood loads... I started singing songs like 'spongebob', 'sesame street', 'mickey mouse', 'hi 5' etc etc... I think i irritated my friends to the verge of jumping into the pool so as to escape my horrendous singing. Hehe!
I felt fat cause i'd been eating lots of fast food for the past few days.
Monday: Long John's
Wed: Mos burger
Today: KFC
Decided to go running to burn off some fats and build up my stamina at the same time. Guess what?! I was so lucky to pick up a hongbao on the floor while running. Got 12 bucks inside leh. Hence, i think that running is good fore health and pocket. This is my second time picking a hongbao up from the floor while running. Whee! So lucky sia... :D
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Be happy!
I'm giving myself a break. Detaching myself from all the stress. Was on the verge of breaking down yesterday but i'm feeling better now.Nothing can hurt me cause i've constructed an imaginary bubble to protect me against all sorts of stuff... I need a break...
Had cg bonding time today. The whole class seldom has the chance to go out and have lunch together. Hence, it was pretty fun and interesting. We had lunch at mos burger. Yay!! I ate the fish burger. After taking the first bite, i immediately regret buying it cause teriyaki chicken is indeed better. I had milk tea.
My milk tea! It's a pour-the-milk-yourself kind of tea... Cool ah?
seven sisters (minus one cause mingyan is absent)
Huichan and her ice cream!!
Trying to act pissed...
The light makes me look ghostly...
another ghostly pic of me... hehehe!
Had cg bonding time today. The whole class seldom has the chance to go out and have lunch together. Hence, it was pretty fun and interesting. We had lunch at mos burger. Yay!! I ate the fish burger. After taking the first bite, i immediately regret buying it cause teriyaki chicken is indeed better. I had milk tea.
My milk tea! It's a pour-the-milk-yourself kind of tea... Cool ah?
seven sisters (minus one cause mingyan is absent)
Huichan and her ice cream!!My CT very nice la! She treated us to ice cream from scoopz... woohoo! It's her second time treating us to ice cream! Yay!!
Decided to take random pictures at home. Self indulgence la...
Trying to act pissed...
The light makes me look ghostly...
another ghostly pic of me... hehehe!It seems that alot of people know i professed my love to a person in guitar. Ok la!! Just kidding. The guy was damn pro lah. That guy is none other than Jeffrey! The way he played... totally awed by him. I'm swept off my feet. I secretly told my friends that i have a crush on him. Wahaha!! Just joking...
Anyway, i'm starting to detest my chem tutor even more. So damn sarcastic. AH!!!!! Remember i have a portective bubble surrounding me. Nothing hurts me...
He actually wanted to meet us at 1.20 pm for ten minutes just to give us march holidays hw. Our lessons end at 12.30 can! Make us stupidly stay back for one period just to meet him for ten minutes. Of course i object ma.. I asked him whether can give us earlier or not cause i don't want to waste time staying back. I told i'm busy and have an appointment in a joking tone which is also true cause i'm meeting Layling. I was just bloody well joking and you know what he said... "Ya hazel, judging from your grades, i hope you're busy with something useful like studies and not do some other things..." My instant reaction was to roll my eyes (Huichan saw it).Thanks for the sarcasm. I can't stand his sarcastic tone. eeyeer......why so sarcastic? Freak la!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
stressed
Just as i'm trying to pick myself up, someone had to demoralise me and add on to my stress... Life is really full of ups and downs. I must learn to be strong.
To my tutor:
Just because i didn't pass my chemistry test doesn't mean i'm not serious in my work. Don't assume the smile on my face shows that i'm an idiot who doesn't yet know the full impact of a levels. Even teachers want to steal the precious smile that i can hardly squeeze out away from me... To my chem teacher, please don't use the words "You are not serious in your work" on me ever again. If not i'll hamtam you and dump you into a pool of piranhas.
If i'm not serious about my work, i won't even bother to study for my tests till wee hours i the morning. Sacrificing my beauty sleep and stretching my body to its limits. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't stay up late to chiong my chemistry tutorials. I had to literally force my eyes open especially after a long day spent in school due to guitar. Nobody knows but my health is compromised as a result of burning the midnight oil. My gastric pain is back. More vicious this time. I'd never had gastric pain for years. I fall ill easily to the extent that i'm sick of falling ill... I miss my once healthy body. Nescafe used to keep my awake but it has lost its effect on me cause i'd been relying on it too much. Perhaps, i've developed a tolerance level for it.
If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to force myself awake and pay attention during your period. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to ask you questions when in doubt. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't even bother to attend your tutorial in the first place.
So, dear teacher, please do not assume that i'm not serious in my work!! (F***) Eve though i'm not performing well or up to your expectations, i've already done my best. Can't anyone just give me some encouragements for that. Compared to last year, i'm actually more serious in my work. What about " as long as you'd done your best, it's ok" kind of motivational talk. Your motivation only served to demoralise us and make us bloody stressed. Thanks for telling me that those who do not do well in lecture tests would most probably not do well for a levels. Thanks for the wake up call and encouragement you had showered upon me! It seems to reaffirm me the fact that i'm not cut out to be in jc... Life sucks. JC sucks. I suck. You suck.
End of the letter...
Honestly, i really have no idea what i'd been doing for the past few months in jc. I don't remember passing any test. Maybe there is but the number is so so insignificant that i can't even remember... Feel like slapping myself and tearing my hair out. I don't know what i'm doing as well. My whole bloody damn life in jc is all about failing? Even though i hate to admit, but it's kind of true...
I need to be strong. I need to be stronger. Save me! I need power!
To my tutor:
Just because i didn't pass my chemistry test doesn't mean i'm not serious in my work. Don't assume the smile on my face shows that i'm an idiot who doesn't yet know the full impact of a levels. Even teachers want to steal the precious smile that i can hardly squeeze out away from me... To my chem teacher, please don't use the words "You are not serious in your work" on me ever again. If not i'll hamtam you and dump you into a pool of piranhas.
If i'm not serious about my work, i won't even bother to study for my tests till wee hours i the morning. Sacrificing my beauty sleep and stretching my body to its limits. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't stay up late to chiong my chemistry tutorials. I had to literally force my eyes open especially after a long day spent in school due to guitar. Nobody knows but my health is compromised as a result of burning the midnight oil. My gastric pain is back. More vicious this time. I'd never had gastric pain for years. I fall ill easily to the extent that i'm sick of falling ill... I miss my once healthy body. Nescafe used to keep my awake but it has lost its effect on me cause i'd been relying on it too much. Perhaps, i've developed a tolerance level for it.
If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to force myself awake and pay attention during your period. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't bother to ask you questions when in doubt. If i'm not serious in my work, i won't even bother to attend your tutorial in the first place.
So, dear teacher, please do not assume that i'm not serious in my work!! (F***) Eve though i'm not performing well or up to your expectations, i've already done my best. Can't anyone just give me some encouragements for that. Compared to last year, i'm actually more serious in my work. What about " as long as you'd done your best, it's ok" kind of motivational talk. Your motivation only served to demoralise us and make us bloody stressed. Thanks for telling me that those who do not do well in lecture tests would most probably not do well for a levels. Thanks for the wake up call and encouragement you had showered upon me! It seems to reaffirm me the fact that i'm not cut out to be in jc... Life sucks. JC sucks. I suck. You suck.
End of the letter...
Honestly, i really have no idea what i'd been doing for the past few months in jc. I don't remember passing any test. Maybe there is but the number is so so insignificant that i can't even remember... Feel like slapping myself and tearing my hair out. I don't know what i'm doing as well. My whole bloody damn life in jc is all about failing? Even though i hate to admit, but it's kind of true...
I need to be strong. I need to be stronger. Save me! I need power!
Sunday, March 04, 2007
pick myself up
i found motivation in this song:
There's a hero
if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you serach within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
will disappear
It's a song titled 'Hero' by mariah carey.
I'm depressed. I'm not afraid to admit it.I played this song three times. Sang the song three times. Got stared at by my family three times. Got scolded by my cousin to shut up one time. Continued to sing the song, oblivious to the fact that people are cringing at my atrocious three times. And, i felt better by three times. I'm smiling three times more compared to yesterday.
Time for me to bounce back like a tennis ball! Fight depression! Off i go!!
There's a hero
if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you serach within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
will disappear
It's a song titled 'Hero' by mariah carey.
I'm depressed. I'm not afraid to admit it.I played this song three times. Sang the song three times. Got stared at by my family three times. Got scolded by my cousin to shut up one time. Continued to sing the song, oblivious to the fact that people are cringing at my atrocious three times. And, i felt better by three times. I'm smiling three times more compared to yesterday.
Time for me to bounce back like a tennis ball! Fight depression! Off i go!!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Depression hits!!
I'm depressed... Today's entry will be solely for ranting. I'm sorry if i bore anyone... Like what i've said earlier, depression has claimed another victims and that is me.
I'll be dropping econs to H1. Actually, i;ve already resigned to the fate that i'll drop econs to a h1 level. So, i'm pretty much ok with it. Just feel that it's a bit wasted to drop now... Other than that, i'm fine.
A level results was out yesterday. I went to the hall to 'feel the atmosphere'. Want to kaypoh and find out what is it like getting a level results. The tension in the hall was palpable. I felt stressed out as well (although i wasn't the one getting a level results). I fast forwarded and imagined how it would be like for me when i'm getting my a level results... What will happen when i get my results? Will i be grinning from ear to ear or sobbing like mad? These things nearly got me toppling over the edge. It's super duper stressful thinking about it... I'm stressed as a result.
Taking into my account i haven't been coping very well since my day one in jc. I seldom pass my tests and can't catch up with the pace at which the teacher is teaching and stuff. Before i managed to understand a particular chapter, the lecturer had already proceeded to teach another and i was left stranded. Before i've even attempt to try to digest and understand the chapter, i'd already been forced to leave it aside first and proceed on to another.
I dread going to school most of the time. In secondary school the extent of 'dread' wasn't as overwhelming as compared to now. The idea of going to school can sometimes make me feel sick... JC life is really boring, stressful, tiring, energy zapping...
I always wonder whether things will be better if i had taken an alternative route. I used to be quite confident of the decision i'd made to come to tjc. When people ask me whether i regret coming to tjc, i would reply with a resounding no. However, i'm not too sure i can reply No! with a aplomb now. It's as though i'm shrinking away from my decision. It's as if i'm a hermit crab that goes into hiding when danger strikes. I may appear weak and can't handle stress. But if i do appear weak, so be it. I hate to be strong and pretend that life is smooth sailing ... I don't want to appear like a hypocrite telling people jc life rocks and i find it a breeze cause in actualy fact, it's NOT and jc sucks like hell. I won't encourage my friends or relatives to come to tj. It's not that i'm disloyal to the school that nutures me or whatsoever. JC life really sucks and i want to be honest and make sure they are fully aware of the consequences before coming into an institute like the one i'm stuck in now.
People tell me that i only have to spend two years in jc and that's all. I must study hard and just bear with it. Two years only should be fine. It's easier said than done. I also know i have to work hard and grit my teeth and try my utmost best to bear with the stress and carry on with life in jc... Honestly, i can't survive jc without complaining or hating it. I can't stare into the person's face and pretend that there's no tinge of stress in jc and i'm surviving well. i'm bloody well not surviving; i'm dying in jc can? I especially hate it even more when people tell me to do well to make my parents proud of me => piling more stress on me. I hate it when people help me map out my course of life. Many of my relatives expect me to do well, give me that admirable stare and go university. Let me relate an incident that got me super pissed off... My uncle asked me which year i was in and what or where i intend to do or go after a levels. I said i'm not too sure. His son aka my cousin interrupted us and said in a sarcastic tone "ai yah! Don't bluff lah. You are in jc now. Confirm go university what." The first word that surfaced in my mind was 'asshole'. Go JC confirm must go uni meh? I don't like people to dictate my life and force their expectations on me. This is my life! MY LIFE! Please don't assume that i'll go to university or force your expectations on me. it kills me!
I need a break from the monotony if life. I need to breathe and lead a life that i want. I need rest, i need time, i need to get a grip. What is my life?
I'll be dropping econs to H1. Actually, i;ve already resigned to the fate that i'll drop econs to a h1 level. So, i'm pretty much ok with it. Just feel that it's a bit wasted to drop now... Other than that, i'm fine.
A level results was out yesterday. I went to the hall to 'feel the atmosphere'. Want to kaypoh and find out what is it like getting a level results. The tension in the hall was palpable. I felt stressed out as well (although i wasn't the one getting a level results). I fast forwarded and imagined how it would be like for me when i'm getting my a level results... What will happen when i get my results? Will i be grinning from ear to ear or sobbing like mad? These things nearly got me toppling over the edge. It's super duper stressful thinking about it... I'm stressed as a result.
Taking into my account i haven't been coping very well since my day one in jc. I seldom pass my tests and can't catch up with the pace at which the teacher is teaching and stuff. Before i managed to understand a particular chapter, the lecturer had already proceeded to teach another and i was left stranded. Before i've even attempt to try to digest and understand the chapter, i'd already been forced to leave it aside first and proceed on to another.
I dread going to school most of the time. In secondary school the extent of 'dread' wasn't as overwhelming as compared to now. The idea of going to school can sometimes make me feel sick... JC life is really boring, stressful, tiring, energy zapping...
I always wonder whether things will be better if i had taken an alternative route. I used to be quite confident of the decision i'd made to come to tjc. When people ask me whether i regret coming to tjc, i would reply with a resounding no. However, i'm not too sure i can reply No! with a aplomb now. It's as though i'm shrinking away from my decision. It's as if i'm a hermit crab that goes into hiding when danger strikes. I may appear weak and can't handle stress. But if i do appear weak, so be it. I hate to be strong and pretend that life is smooth sailing ... I don't want to appear like a hypocrite telling people jc life rocks and i find it a breeze cause in actualy fact, it's NOT and jc sucks like hell. I won't encourage my friends or relatives to come to tj. It's not that i'm disloyal to the school that nutures me or whatsoever. JC life really sucks and i want to be honest and make sure they are fully aware of the consequences before coming into an institute like the one i'm stuck in now.
People tell me that i only have to spend two years in jc and that's all. I must study hard and just bear with it. Two years only should be fine. It's easier said than done. I also know i have to work hard and grit my teeth and try my utmost best to bear with the stress and carry on with life in jc... Honestly, i can't survive jc without complaining or hating it. I can't stare into the person's face and pretend that there's no tinge of stress in jc and i'm surviving well. i'm bloody well not surviving; i'm dying in jc can? I especially hate it even more when people tell me to do well to make my parents proud of me => piling more stress on me. I hate it when people help me map out my course of life. Many of my relatives expect me to do well, give me that admirable stare and go university. Let me relate an incident that got me super pissed off... My uncle asked me which year i was in and what or where i intend to do or go after a levels. I said i'm not too sure. His son aka my cousin interrupted us and said in a sarcastic tone "ai yah! Don't bluff lah. You are in jc now. Confirm go university what." The first word that surfaced in my mind was 'asshole'. Go JC confirm must go uni meh? I don't like people to dictate my life and force their expectations on me. This is my life! MY LIFE! Please don't assume that i'll go to university or force your expectations on me. it kills me!
I need a break from the monotony if life. I need to breathe and lead a life that i want. I need rest, i need time, i need to get a grip. What is my life?
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