initially, i felt a sense of loss after exams... but now, i'm relishing every moment of waking up and knowing i have nothing better to do... HAHAHAHA!! (tt's supposed to be an evil laughter)

i'm typing as softly as i can because my bf has concussed and currently floating in lala land... land of all the hot babes... LOL

well... i'm corroding my mind with tv everyday... haha! 

but don't worry... i sense a job coming... i have to work to supplement my own expenses. 

ok... i reached the brink. nth much to say... au revoir!

Today marks the end of my freshmen year. Next sem, i'll be a stale senior. No longer fresh-ie anymore... :(

Had my last paper today... screwed it. I expected MCQs and it was only half an hr before exams that i overheard two biosci girls discussing about the format. 11 essay ens, choose 10 out of the 11. NO MCQs... I nearly choked to death upon hearing it... *faint* i smsed NSW to come claim my body at 1530.

Well.. shall not harp on it anymore. No point la... although exams are over, i seem to be lacking the sense of jubilance. You know... that kind of ecstatic feeling, so happy that you can feel confetti raining down on you. Ya... i'm stoned...

exams are over, i feel a teenie weenie bit sense of loss...

Nvm... i shall embark on a journey to search for myself... sounds weird right... i've totally screwed up my own emotions. i'm comparable to a leaking tap. or some emo weepy freak that goes tearing with slight provocation or worse still, no valid reason. haha!!

I have to work on preserving my sanity sia... any tips?

my emotions are so volatile, i hate myself for being so weak...

Study girl!!

Less than 24 hours to go...

and that will mark the end of my year 1 in NTU...

STUDY!!! ARGH!!!

Dear hazel,

you're supposed to be MUGGING now... and don't you think it's morally wrong to be slacking now... i'm so disappointed in you...

From,
ur evil twin

ok.... studying has reached a saturation point... I'm sick of studying... 3 more days but my butt's itching to escape... i'm a glob of oil... (no link but well...)

i've drafted up some stuff that i'm going to do during the 3 months' break:
-watch movies (the movie tix which i had won are begging me to use them)
-flyer! (free vouchers!)
-marina barrage (cos i haven't been there before)
-guitar ( i wanna learn new songs! )
-learn photoshop (so that i can photoshop all my fats away! :) )
-go holiday (somewhere near and affordable of cos)

the list is supposed to go on but i haven't thought of what's more to include yet. After tuesday, i'll start brainstorming...

Yesterday, during the night walk with my ahyi, she suddenly broached the topic of marriage with me. zzzz.... that's because i was hysterically blabbering to her that i'm going to be 20 soon! the number 2 is obnoxious. Makes me feel so old. 20 plus is like the time whereby people get married. i better treasure what's left of my teens. 20... *sobs* it sounds really old... :(

Well... i think my ah yi was abit off the tangent. i'm not trying to dismiss the fact that i won't get married blah blah blah... life is full of the unexpectancies. BUT, i'm still a varsity kid slogging my ass off leh!!

haha! my ahyi's so funny...

I'm counting down... 4 more days to go... but it's such an excruciatingly long period of time. ROARRRR!!!! I just want it to be over SOON SOON SOON!!! so sick of mugging... AND i have a serious deficit of motivation. I should gun myself down really... last paper leh... what the hell are you doing hazel... Hang on!!!

4 more days ... 4 more days... thn i can party like siao!!!

4 more days 4 more days... just bear with it...

TCA cycle, gluconeogenesis, glycoxylate cycle, photosynthesis, glycolysis, oxidative phosphorylation are seriously killing me!!!! the biochemical pathways... *faint*

Looking at the bright side, i'm sleeping better these few days. with that, i'm happy! :)

Finally, i managed to sleep last night. But it wasn't a smooth-sailing process . Had some troubles trying to sleep initially. I tossed and turned in bed, feeling damn frustrated and terrified that i could not sleep again. it went on for near 1.5 hrs. My aunty came in and massaged my back with medicated oil to alleviate my cough. Guess that eased the tension in me. I managed to doze off soon after that.

But i woke up in the middle of the night. The wind was blowing like mad. Massive strong wind!!! I closed my window cause my curtains were flapping like mad and irritated me. Had some trouble going back to sleep again but still i managed to sleep.

Guess it's true that i had been thinking too much. Too pent up, too troubled, too stressed that it has affected my sleep. Hazel, time to unwind...

Even though i can't sleep for three consecutive nights.

I'm dead tired.

I'm coughing my lungs out.

I have diarrhoea everyday.

My health is basically screwed.

I'm still radiating with positivity... ...

For a brighter future, let's work hard!!

And thanks to mel for the lovely letter! Thanks for coming down to src in such a hot and dreadful weather just to show your concern.

Thanks chan chan too for listening to my grievances.

Big thank you to my family!!

AND!! Big thank you to my cute boyfriend!! Haha!! i know very mushy la... eee... ok... time to shave hor! you look haggard! not cute anymore. (trying to change topic)

I can do it as long as i believe in myself!!

At times like these, how i wish i have a car. The temporal away from here so that i can find a remote spot, collapse into heaps and burst out crying... ...

Just now i prayed for the tears to come, now i pray for the tears to stop...

I screwed up my hs808 yesterday and for today's french paper... well... i don't harbour high hopes for it...

I'm freaking pissed... and super duper sian... three papers down, three more to go... ARGH!!

My uterus lining refuses to lose its grip on my uterus and flow out. $%#!%@*^!!! I've been cramping and still, it refuses to gush out. I'm in a serious pms mode... Pooi!!

I have no idea what the above picture is for.... ARGH!!!!

Emo leh...

2 papers down. 4 more to go... Seriously, i can't wait for 28th to come...

Bio paper was ok but the elective sucked. I ran out of things to write and was basically bull shitting my way through. And, it wasn't constructive bullshitting. It was just pure, unhybridised, undifferentiated bullshits.

Well whatever. Had a sleepless night last night. it's like something was weighing on me in my heart and to make matters worse, my tummy was churning the whole of last night. Diarrhoea-ed... Haix

I'm pretty tired now with my brain half shutdown, i think i should go bathe then sleep but i can't summon the strength to go bathe. Haha!!

ouch! stomach's cramping again. shall go bathe.

Even though i've finished studying for my BS 108 and is only left with two more lectures for HS808, somehow, i still feel inadequately prepared and i'm feeling all panic-striken inside...

I'm terrified...

Have you seen a fly being tangled and stuck on the spider web. No matter how much it has tried to get itself dislodged from the web, it still cannot do so... Imagine how terrified the fly would be when he feels the first vibration created when the spider starts to trottle gingerly down the masterpiece work of web it had spun. Step by step, eyeing hungrily at the fly, snickering at it for being a dumbass trying to get itself freed to no avail.

Well... minus the drama intended. i can understand how the fly feels. Because i'm now the fly, examinations are the web and professors are the spiders.

i'm scared... ... ...

Just chill... everything is going to be fine. Just repeat this like a mantra and you'll be influenced to believe that everything's going to be fine...

I need to relax... Chill buddy chill buddy!! (OMG!! i'm adressing myself as a friend...) This is a tell-tale sign of schizophrenia.

I dreamt that i forgot to bring my entry proof for exams... It was another panic-laden kind of dream... ARGH!!! I know entry proof is like so passe but well, i cant control the ongoings in my dream what...

FREAKY FREAKY FREAKY!! HAZEL, stop hyperventilating and get a grip on myself...

Suddenly, this fear just arose... What if i don't improve this sem? Despite the fact that i've been working harder. I think the hard work accumulated from pri sch till jc also pales in comparioson to the effort i've put in.

Well, i was just thinking i wouldn't be able to bear it and there are two paths to take. 1) Go NIE or 2) quit school. If that really happens, i think the latter stands a higher chance because i can't bear the thought of spending my life in university again...

Then... the sad and cruel reality come crashing on me... what can i do after i quit school? what about the expectations on me?? Even though people are telling me to take it easy, don't stress, no high expectations on me. That doesn't mean they don't have expectations on me right... The disappointment in them although i know they'll feign nonchalance about it as long as i'm happy.

Sigh... i'm losing grip and i'm about to fall into a valley of darkness...

The harsh and cruel truth about reality...

I was bored... so i ended doodling... I bet many people had fallen asleep on their pile of books and drooling over. I've doddled the modules that are examinable. The red menacing looking stuff are actually bacteria and virus. My exams dates are up too. And the crying girl, well... that's me...

Couldn't sleep last night because i was feeling hot all over. But the problem was when i removed the blankie, i felt cold. So in the end i ended sleeping at 2 plus near 3 after much tossing, frowning, turning, fidgeting, scratching... It was a frustrating night. I think the reason i was able to fall asleep in the end was because i ate flu tablet which induced the drowsiness...

I think i'm vexed. The reason i'm vexed could be attributed to stress... oh... i'm finally stressed...

F*** lab reports seriously... idiot idiot idiot...

Oh ya... when i'm stressed, i tend to be more vulgar... haha!

I'm really stressed...

Sometimes, i feel that people around me are a test to my patience.

Well, the truth is, i'm not...

I'm just a selfish loathsome disgusting evil bitch...

I'm depressed... even my body is giving way... haha!

I'm sick... Extreme fatigue sets in. yesterday's journey back home from Pulau NTU all the way back to my home was agonising... I had trouble staying awake. I fell asleep while standing and NSW can vow to that because he witnessed it. Droopy eyes... I knew i was going to fall sick because whenever i'm sick, i'll become a nua-ster and my body will kind of shut down and i'll fall asleep anywhere anytime. Hahahaha!!

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was tears of frustration because i was feeling damn uncomfortable. I was feeing hot and cold at the same time. GOSH!! Ok... i admit, it was pretty lame to cry because of that. So childish... *embarrassed*

AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! i have to start typing my resume and send it out. I need a holiday job!!!

Humans have 23 haploid number of chromosomes.

Thus the number of possible gametes formed for each parent would be 2^23

Thus, couple would have 2^23 x 2^23 chance of different possible child.

The child that each couple has is 1 out of the approximately 70 trillion possible combinations... and you wonder why people don't appreciate their children...

It's one out of the 70 trillions for goodness sake.

Love and treasure your children!

Ok... random post...

I had a bad dream last night...

I was in lecture and the lecturer said something ridiculous which i had to talk back. I said something sarcastic and some crude words which i can't remember now but i just have this feeling it sounded crude. Anyway, the lecturer flunked me for my exam...

OMG!! Is this some kind of divine interpretation?? Some kind of sign?? OMG!!! AHHH!!!!

In reality, if anyone does say anything ridiculous to me, i'll at most snigger inside but maintain a straight face still. I may not neccessarily score in the EQ department but i still have EQ k! And i can hold my tongue...

Scary dream...

Just when i felt like crying... I knew i had to be strong, sniff back those tears and distract myself by doing stupid things like....

Just to divert the negativity somewhere else. And that's not all...

Just when the tears threatened to spring out, i popped sweets to stifle it. And i sang along to the music just to divert the attention...

Be strong be strong... sayang sayang.... hug myself...

Narcisistic... gosh....