This afternoon's incident was one of the scariest things that had ever happened to me. Supposed to be lunching with Huichan when my tummy cramped really badly. Knowing it was a sign that didn't bode well, i left early. Upon reaching the traffic light located between tampines mall and the mrt station, my stomach started to cramp like hell and my vision darkened. All that i could make out were blurred shadows. My sense of hearing also became dull. Called Huichan for help.

Poor huichan had to forsake her lunch to come help the damsel in distress. (LOL!!) ok... anyway, back to the point. I had to be supported as we walked towards the taxi stand, although it was just a few steps away. I thought i was going to faint. Fortunately Huichan was right beside me. I swear i would have burst out crying or perhaps sprawl unglamly onto the floor if she wasn't around.

It was an excruciatingly long journey back home. Stomach was cramping as though there was a freaking atomic bomb inside. I was fidgetting here and there. Twisting here and there. And i think i whined like a pathetic creature.

Thankfully, i made it home. Kudos to huichan! My heroine for the week! I had made her forgo her lunch thus wasting food and i think i had terrified her. (especially my whinings...) Hope she can live with the trauma.

Eunice went to the nearest provision shop to buy the pinkish panadol pills for me. On the way back, it rained and she got drenched. It was really sweet of her. i'm so touched that i'm tearing now. Thanks Eunice!

Was supposed to go out in the evening to celebrate my cousin's bday but i'm still cramping. It's defintely not as bad as this afternoon's. It's bearable pain but nevertheless, still uncomfortable. Plus, i feel weak and i get dizzy easily even when i was just climbling two storeys up to my room.

This proves that i have neglected my health... Must start to get myself in shape. This shall be a lesson for all-- please take care of yourself.

The random stumble upon a friend's blog depicting his saddening childhood,

An unexpected turn of the conversation with a friend,

Personal experiences,

Make me feel that everyone has a sad story to share.

I admire their cheerfulness, tenacity, strength, courage, maturity...

And i know that a smile, laughter, joy can be a mask, mirage or illusion.

Thanks to that friend (i hope you know i'm referring to you) for being honest with me. It was really an enriching time spent with you. Brought our friendship one notch higher.

With the encouragements, we shall try to close the chapter and move on.

Life's going to get better.

Like what you had said, it's up to us to tear down the wall obstructing us.

:)

I'm so so so so going to be so so so so busy!!

Ok... that's kind of an over-exaggeration.

On the other hand, not really,since my entire holidays will be spent in hall. i won't be able to have the luxury of moulding at home, cultivating penicillin during the break. Tragic life it is.... But then i'm taking it all in stride. don't worry. I won't slit my wrists or go anywhere near the white tigers.

Next week:

Mon--> joint hall publications meeting on ihg websites and blah blah... which are well ... blahs... :(

Tues--> tentatively nothing...

Wed--> V ball trg. ~_~
At night --> meeting my sec sch's jiemeis!! I bet we'll be up all night gossiping and reminiscing the good old days in TKGS. Haha!! :)

Thurs--> Softball trg
9 to 12pm: training
afternoon: learn the rules
4 to 7pm: back to the field to feed the ravenous mosquitoes again! :(

Fri--> softball trg again. :(

(hazel strongly thinks she's going to pon thurs trg because she won't be able to wake up unless a meteorite strikes or someone whispers she's fat in her ears)

That's just a prelude to how busy i'm going to get during the one month break. I expect at the end of the one month break, i should be fit enough to join titans. Remember seeing the insane log-tossing stunt? never in my life will i be able to do that. Haha!! that's why i bold-ed the words 'should be' ... LAUGH!! (self-high)

How i wish i can just nua and do absolutely nothing during the one month break...

However, life is not a bed (of roses). No bed, can't nua... ... OMG!! such harsh reality of life...

Looking on the bright side, it's time to lose those flab i've gained during the exam period. Time to get fit!

Back to civilisations!!!

I think today's paper was the worst out of all. I'm so going to die for it. Felt pretty awful after the paper. Was unable to summon a triumphant 'woo!' even though it was my last paper. I threw the paper into the rubbish bin immediately upon reaching hall. That's exactly how bad it was. My first time throwing away an exam question booklet. In the past, no matter how badly i think i've done for the paper, i'll still keep the question booklet for some pervertic reasons whatever. Just now, i just couldn't stand the sight of it and had to get rid of it, FAST!

Enough of my ranting on unhappy stuff. Decided to lighten up when i realised that being happy is just in the state of the mind. Even though it's difficult to be done but i'm going to try.

Outing with Para, Alvin and Mingyan after the paper. The moment we alighted the mrt, the first feeling which came to us was gosh! it has really been a long time since we've stepped out of our cocoons. An over-exaggeration but somewhat apt description- we felt that we were finally back to civilisations. Haha!

It felt good to just walk along orchard road and immerse in the festive season.

One more chapter on carbohydrates to go... Jiayou!!

Tomorrow shall mark the end of my misery albeit temporarily. I can pretty much predict that i'll suffer another bout of depression cum emoness when results are out. But anyway, just having one day of non-mugging is enough to bring joy to my life.

Time to get some balance back into my life. IHGs coming, time to get fit. I haven't been running for a LONG time. I can totally feel my adipose tissue increasing in mass and size.

Tomorrow's last paper!! i can't wait really...

Yesterday's night was another round of insomnia. Couldn't sleep and had to drag my bolster down to mummy's room to talk. My mummy's very poor thing... ...

Was so desperate to sleep that i resorted to drinking relax choya which contains 15% alcohol which once again proves that it's not alcoholic enough because i took another 2 hours before i finally drifted off to la la land. Desperate time calls for desperate measures.

Hopefully, tonight i can sleep in peace. If not,i'm totally going to dig into the cupboard to look for the bottle of XO. Or whatever that has a higher alcoholic content. Desperate time calls for desperate measures.

Insomnia sucks...I totally looked like crap for the entire day!

Tomorrow shall be ... *drums roll* ... The day i die and get reborn again...

Mighty shitty biophysical chemistry. Three rolled into one to become a disgusting shit module.

Hopefully, i'll survive tomorrow......

Hopefully, Mr Boltzmann, Mr Coulomb, Mr Faraday, Mr Planck, Mr Avogadro, Mr Rydberg, Mr Bohr and Mr blah blah will give me their blessings... Haha!!

Anyway, i'm having a feeling of uncertainty. Even though i've finished studying, i still feel unprepared.

Sucks to feel uncertain... Shall look through the notes one more time before i meet my doomsday tomorrow...

craziest dream ever

I had the craziest dream ever... No... to be exact, it was a nightmare!!

In my dream, i was having BIOLOGY practical exam. I was supposed to do food test. (something which we had done in secondary school) You know... adding in of the blue Benedict's solution, ethanol, blah blah. Cover the test tube and shake. Some needed to be placed in the water bath.

In my dream, i totally screwed up my practical exam... First, my water bath couldn't heat up. So my solution remained blue even though it was freaking long. Nvm... i just thought i had to wait longer and proceeded to do other parts listed in the practical exam sheet. Another section, we had to cut banana. LONGITUDINALLY!! so that we can see the seeds blah blah blah... i can't remember what. For goodness sake, i went to chop the banana into pieces before i re-read the question paper and realised much to my horror, that I HAD MADE A MISTAKE!! i was freaking panicky... I was contemplating whether to raise up my hand to ask the examiner for a new banana or not... Because i was embarrassed by my own mistake. In the end, i decided to raise my hand and leave face value aside because it was Uni's exam and i rather risk losing face than my grades. I asked the examiner for a new banana and he freaking refused to give me. Wah! Panic!!

Because of my stupid blunder and the plain evil examiner, i had to resort to using my imagination to draw out the banana and how the seeds were located. (like i said, it was a crazy dream. I know how the insides of a banana looks like... Really...) The rest of the parts went off pretty smoothly till i flipped to the first page and realised i hadn't done the section on food test yet... WTH!! I looked at the test tubes in my water bath, still blue and it isn't boiling!! AHHHH!!! Then, i was woken up by my neighbour and friends. My neighbour was getting married. It was freaking 8 am and a bunch of people were already screaming and laughing outside her house.

Honestly, i wouldn't want to continue with the freaking dream... It was damn stressful. Putting the stupidity and nonsense aside, it was stressful cause i screwed up... And time was running out. Couldn;t finish the paper...

I attribute this to exam stress...

I walked into a chair today. It was dark, i couldn't see and ... nothing... should be sufficient to explain. Blue black! :( Hai~

Hope that i won't dream of more food tests tonight...

I'm suffering from guilt and i think i totally deserved it...

Mummy called to ask me to go to help her carry stuff home after work while i was studying at the airport. I was damn tired and just felt it was too troublesome to go and help her. Guess i sounded too agitated or something during the phone call, much to her displeasure.

Back home, she went off rattling that she went ntuc to buy groceries for the family... And in the fits of the moment, she said something along the line that 'studying really that tiring meh?' and 'that doesn't suffice as an excuse'.

Ok... studying isn't physically tiring, it's mentally. But because i'm hooked on caffeine and today, i didn't have my regular fix of it--> that's why i was damn tired.

But i totally agree that study isn't everything although i kind of felt hurt when my mum said it. Nobody is perfect anyway. It's just the way she had put the message across... Anyway, back to the point... I think i've focused too much on studying. Not that it's not good but it kind of makes me feel detached from the rest of the civilisations. I've lost touch on the human aspects. Communication, love, care, kindness, helpfulness blah blah blah...

I'm such a failure...

Time to change for the better... studying isn't everything. Character's more important.

Life isn't a trajectory.

It's like a wave function.

Because whatever you do or the things you think may happen to you,

will be just a probability.

This is what too much physics will do to me... ...

quantum theory, molecular interactions, kinetics, spectroscopy, molecular orbitals, AOs/MOs crap, Coulomb's Law... AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'm going crazy. Please help me!!

I take bloody long to comprehend wth is going on. My notes super duper gross. The lecturer just dumped one idiotic formula and expect us to know how the formula is derived... That's why i need the textbook...

Still left with spectroscopy and thermodynamics... *sick*

And BS 103-biochemistry...

i'm so sick of studying!!!!

I know things are going to end soon and after that i can rot in peace. The immature part of me just totally craves and longs for a break now. LIKE NOW!!!!

How i wish i can stroll down orchard road and get mesmerised by the christmas lightings...

Studying sucks the life out of me...

Spent freaking long hours trying to understand some freaking equations while scanning through the index of my freaking textbook for definitions. Those freaking page turnings, frenzied tugging of hair trying to make myself understand and flipping through the freaking idiotic notes whereby the lecturer typed 'heteronuclear' when it's supposed to be 'homonuclear' and made me agonise over it for freaking long time because i couldn't understand...

there's a huge difference between 'homo' and 'hetero' ok!!

Try calling a healthy living breathing muscular guy 'homosexual'. See whether you end up with a nose bleed or not.

Biophysical chemistry... *puke*

Finally, after spending so long trying to understand wth is molecular orbital, valence bond theory, bond energy blah blah , i could finally see light rays that travel at the speed of 2.997x10^8 m/s.

Wanted to proceed to the next lecture when i saw the term 'boltzmann distribution' and all the explanations. It's going to be another round of pulling hair and flipping through my textbook, pasting post-its all over the place and puking of blood trying to understand...

Tomorrow will be another round of waking up, breakfast, study, shower, commute to changi airport, study somemore, go home, eat, watch tv, study, sleep.

My mundane monotonous life...

Anyway, i was looking through my cupboard when i found my o lvls cert. I got A2 for physics!! This is like so so so shocking... All these years, i thought i had gotten B3/B4 for o lvls physics. Maybe it's a sign... I don't suck hopelessly in physics after all...

Random pictures... My retarded cousin who's SO SO SO fascinated by the dry ice...

Damn cute!
Eunice and me!

Hazel and Jerry mouse.

The mouse from tom and jerry cartoon

My irritating but cute cousin. So in love with him...

*LOL*

The dry ice..

Um chio...

Another cute weirdo...

See... poured water here and there.

i told him he definitely would get scolded by his mum. He told me 'ya. i know.' and continued playing...

Anyway, he did get scolded in the end cause he made the whole table and floor wet. Haha!!

Now, i know why i like to be home. Because there are so many entertaining and retarded things for me to laugh about. haha!!

Natural selection is a situation whereby a favourable inheritable traits that confer a selective advantage on the organism that harbours it becomes more common in successive generations of the reproducing organisms. On the other hand, the traits that do not confer selective advantages to the organisms will become less common and the number of organisms which possess the unfavourable traits will dwindle. So in another words, individuals with more favourable phenotypes will be more likely to survive. Since, genotypes determine the favourable phenotypes, they will increase in frequency over time.

Well, the point is... natural selection is linked to survival of the fittest. ahhh.... now things seem clearer. The above para is crap. Sorry cause i'm a biological sci undergrad. *rolls my eyes* May Charles Darwin rest in peace and be proud of a bio-enthusiast like me. *rolls my eyes again*

I may not be the fittest but i'm hell bound going to survive.

That's my point... finally after beating about the bush...

4 papers down... 2 more to go. I nearly died from overload of organic chem.

For once i thought that i really going to get depression. Thankfully, All-rounder clarified with me that it takes 2 months of moping around and being depressed before the person is confirmed to be depressed. Something he had learnt from his elect.

2 more to go... Jiayou!!

Biophysical chem --> i so 'love' physics *rolls my eyes again again*
Biochemistry--> tautomers, isomers, purines, DNA helix, pyrimidines, psi/phi angles, lipids, carbohydrates, vitamins, HIV protease etc etc --> How 'interesting would that be?? *rolls my eyes again again again*

One fine day, my eyes gonna be stucked in my sockets...

I hate to admit this but i think i'm losing control of myself. Last night was a horror. I had insomnia... Now i kind of know the frustrations of wanting to sleep but not able to... i tossed, turned, woke up to study but couldn't concentrate, went back to bed, tossed and turned somemore. It was a living nightmare!! At 4am, i couldn't take it anymore and called mummy for help.

My mummy came and told me stories and pat me to sleep just like what she had used to when i was young. Finally,it was in mummy's chest that i cried myself to sleep...

Everyone is telling me to let go but it's easer said than done... I guess the hardest lesson of all is to learn to let go.

I've changed so much that i can't recognise myself. i miss the old me. --> all the more makes the whole situation tragic.

it's going to be fine. I'll survive. I'll not bow down to pressure. I'm not going to quit without putting up a fight.

time to stop before my mucous drips onto the keyboard and breed a colony of bacteria...

2 more weeks to liberation

Time is running out. i should be mugging. But, i need to rant...

2 more weeks. It's going to be over soon...

i want the soon to come sooner!!

Organic chem sucks. Somehow, my brain just can't retain all the mechanisms and stuff... *stressed* When you're studying organic chem, you think you know, you think you understand. You think you know the basis behind it. You think you can solve it. However, when exams come and the question may ask you to suggest possible ways to synthesise the mootood crap of organic shit. That's when your brain starts to disappoint you by going all blank. That always happens to me... Even though i think organic chem is interesting but then i can never excel in it because at the end of the day... my mind will turn blank.

There's so much bloody crap to memorise. I'm so going to die... HAI!!!

I need prozac. Ya... prozac is an organic piece of shit.

Back to organic...

Having two content-heavy papers in a day is a major killer. I'm amazed i'm still breathing now...

Mummy didn't know i had two papers yesterday. She called me around 4 plus after my first paper had ended and was terrified when i was uncontactable because i didn't switch on my hp. She was worried that i would become suicidal after my first paper. Haha! Eden msned me. Eunice smsed and called me. Even though i was kind of despondent after my papers, at least i'm loved. so, life goes on.

Had my first paper at SBS lobby. I felt quarantined. The glass panels were covered by white papers and there were barriers/demarcations etc. haha!!

will be having another paper today at 5 pm. Govt and politics. 2 and a half hour but i think i'm going to leave earlier because i don't think i have anything much to write about. Hai~ SIAN!!

It's weird how the more i study, the more ill-prepared i feel, the more stressed i get, therefore, the more depressed i become...

Supposed to be doing revision but the definition of revision has been tweaked by Me. I looked at my notes and realised i had forgotten much of the stuff i had studied earlier... Oh freak... So, i ended up restudying again...

Cooped up in the little room. How i feel like dying...

Help! SOS!

Be strong, be brave, be happy and take it lightly...

OMG! i so feel like crying... *control*

is it the fear of failing or i now have higher expectations of myself?

stress

By right, the more one studies, the more knowledgeable one should get. However, this does not apply to me. The more i study, the more i can feel my brain rotting. Like i have bovine spongiform encephalopathy, which is more commonly known as mad cow disease. I'm facing progressive cerebellar dysfunction. (amazingly, i can apply the things i had learnt)

Eevn though i've finished all my lecture notes, somehow i still feel very much inadequately prepared... Oh freak... HOW HOW HOW??!! stress... ...

I'm suffering from another bout of depression again... ...

"Take it easy"

But it's easier said than done...

HAI~ ~ ~ ~

bio is soporific

Just finished two chapters on respiration and photosynthesis. Glycolysis, Krebs cycle, oxidative phosphorylation, acetyl coA formation, fermentation, light dependent reactions, electron transport chain, photosystems, carbon fixation, Calvin's cycle etc etc etc... ...

Don't think i don't know you you you (point everywhere) are sniggering at me...
It's OK... LAugh for all you want... You must be sympathising with me for taking biological sci...

Even i myself, feel like laughing at myself... ...

I'm so so so so going to die of information overload... ... Two more chapters to go... The next will be on virus which i truly dread studying... Just left it on my table... looked at it, procrastinated, stole a guilty glance again, procrastinated, bit my lower lip and forced myself to look at it again, procrastination won once more. ARGH!!

Stupid virus, stupid me, stupid freakign complicated biological system and the awful names that i have to memorise... AHHHH!!!!

Lina told me she's dying. I told her i'm dying too and she was talking to my soul. Lina said her soul has died. 0.0

JIAYOU!!!

My table is filled with food as a source of motivation to keep me going... ...

Pocky biscuits ( i seemed to eat them everyday)
Camel's cocktail nuts
Green tea
sours unbearables gummy bears from the natural confectionery
water

calories calories calories. Not that i'm counting. Not now... after exams. I must rid myself of this kind of lifestyle. Sedentary fattening mind boggling stressful lifestyle. Got to go on a diet after exams sia... HAHA!!!

I think i'm more hardworking now compared to the past. In the past i was a mojo slacker/bochap/happy-go-lucky/siao za bor. Even though a levels was nearing, i could still crap and disturb my study buddy- Hui Chan. Like no inkling that it's time to be serious and mug...

It's a totally different thing now. For the entire 19 years of my life, yesterday was the first time my mum actually, really, no kidding, told me to relax and take a break from studying... I was shocked.

I like to think that it's because i've become mature and sensible. Was telling SW aka All rounder all these and he provided an alternative reason saying that the reason why we're more hardworking is because the things that we're learning now are tougher and more challenging.

How come no one allows me to indulge in thinking that i've become mature and more sensible?

I just happened to be telling Huichan about it via MSN and see what she said...


[**[A.M.Z 5]**] Hui Chan says:
maybe u r still immature


[**[A.M.Z 5]**] Hui Chan says:
but a bit more mature compared to last time


[**[A.M.Z 5]**] Hui Chan says:
so he still thinks u are immature


[**[A.M.Z 5]**] Hui Chan says:
but i think his reason seems more valid than urs


[**[A.M.Z 5]**] Hui Chan says:
(the stupid emoticon with the tongue sticking out)

WHY?? I not mature meh??

Ok... i need to rant... about the mundane and prosaic affairs of my life... *rolls my eyes dramatically up towards the sky*

My temporary mantra to life is :study, eat, sleep.

Even my mum thinks i'm hardworking now. Like i've never been hardworking before... *rolls my eyes again* which is pretty true because i don't remember feeling so stressed for a levels as compared to now.

Perhaps i was still young and immature, therefore, couldn't see the implications and consequences that entailed. (now i make myself sound so old)

Mum thinks i need to have a break. First time my mum's telling me that ... ... 'Go shopping, have lunch or watch a movie.' Take a break... ...

In the meantime, my only indulgence is to stone...

That's my pathetic life... fullstop.

i glared at the reflection in my mirror,
and looked at it straight in the eyes.
'You suck!' i exclaimed,
so loud it reverberated.
The reflection in the mirror stared back blankly,
evident shock plastered on its face.
What on earth could be done,
when it knew it sucked.
Reality stung and life's a dismay.
The reflection's head bowed down,
crestfallen and in obvious distress.
Its foot drew circles on the ground,
hoping to attain some breakthrough.
Who cares whether the reflection sucks?
Who cares what i think of my reflection?
Which inevitably translates to...
Who cares what i think of myself?
The reflection in the mirror glanced up,
halo of light surrounds.
I saw my reflection smiled at me,
and was instantly infected with a smile too.
Let's not treat myself seriously,
therefore why bother what i think?
I bade goodbye to my reflection
and walked away with a grin.

Life's too short for indulgence in melancholic and depressing stuff...

Although, i'm craving for a break but in the meantime, i shall just focus on my notes...

I'm totally awed by the whole new hardworking me. I'm so in love in myself....

I can't believe i just typed that... guess i really do need a break... hahaha!

Mac's Breakfast

Had Mac's breakfast bought by the beloved All rounder.

Satisfied and blissful.

Ok! Time to mug!

Not sleepy yet don't feel like studying... played games and did some stupid tests

You Are a Pig

You are very intelligent, and you enjoy being around people. You can trust others easily. You have great reasoning skills, and you are quick learner. You are able to adapt to most situations. You tend to be very territorial and picky. You don't like people messing with your stuff. You have keen senses and reflexes. You can defend yourself well and quickly sense danger.

What Animal Are You?

You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker. What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions. You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself. Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.

How Do You Communicate?

Your PMS Disaster Level: Medium

You definitely are a bit of a wreck once a month. But as long as remember to take it easy, your PMS isn't a major crisis.

Are You a PMS Disaster?

Your Birthdate: May 30

You are certain and confident when you choose to love someone. Even though your romantic choices may be unconventional - you stand behind them. Your friends never know you as well as a romantic partner does. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 6 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6 You are most compatible with people born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, and 30th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

unconventional romantic choice-->All rounder is a weirdo. LOL!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Illegitimis Nil Carborundum

--> meaning... Don't let the chaps get you down!

I'm going to stay in hall till tomorrow while roomie is going home. It's going to be a lonely night but i must try to hang in there.

it's weird how my emotions work... i'll be fine until maybe around 10 plus and that's when the sudden feeling of loneliness and all the awful feeling of emoishness just crashes on me.

And so, i'm convincing myself that all will be fine tonight.

I'm stressed... ...

BUT, i'm fighting on so that THE CHAPS WON'T GET ME DOWN.

~Hai~

There tend to be this yearn to cherish something only when you start losing it...



It's funny how a seemingly harmless act of overhearing people's conversation would trigger those painful memories that i thought had long been buried deep down within me.



The dam broke yesterday as i was plagued by the unfortunate flashbacks. I know it's time to move on but it's darn difficult to control and stop the flashbacks from coming back...


I shouldn't have gone for a walk and shouldn't have eavesdropped on the group of guys in front of me. Hey! Thinking carefully, i didn't eavesdrop on them ok. They were talking quite loudly or perhaps the surroundings were too quiet and the sound waves just happened to propagate into my ears. Not my fault. That's when it triggered all the unhappy memories...



So, moral of the story is--> don't go for a walk. Even if you die die crave for a walk to clear your mind, please walk alone and isolate yourself from the rest of the world.



OMG!! Now i feel like laughing at myself for being such an emo mootood yesterday ...

Thankfully i'm blessed with wonderful friends. Mingyan called to comfort the emo mootood me. Alvin came up to my room which was a commendable effort on his part. This is because he's a guy and normally guys are at a loss or will become flustered when confronted by a weeping girl. (i banged into door which was erm... embarrassing...)

And of course, thanks to All rounder who was there when the drama unfolded. Thanks for the bedtime stories and hugs. L~O~V~E Y~A!! <3>

Feel like going on a holiday

i'm craving to go on a holiday. Leave everything behind and escape. Find my dreams in the midst of the fluffy clouds. Unravel the interesting things the country offers... How i long for it...

Roomie went home so i'm stuck in hall alone. It kind of sucks being alone. I know it's so whiny of me to say so and it's time for me to learn to be independent blah blah blah... BUT, it still sucks being alone no matter how hard i try to convince myself that it's ok. (I'm not emo. Just plain bored and sulky) I can't create and tell jokes to myself. I can't possibly talk to myself. I'm dying of a companion. even if it's just a presence. haha!! Ok... this is bordering on exaggeration.

I can't wait exams to be over... my life now really sucks.

This uncontrollable urge of me to go out and have fun is killing me. I must contain!!

Quit stoning and let's get going.

I'm happy. Even though stress is still bound to oxygen molecules but i'm happy still... No matter what is going to be happen, i'm determined to be happy.

I'm back to my spastic/mootood/insane/crazy/rubbish/crappy mode.

Finally, i can give a big wave and humongous spastic smile to people.

I can laugh till my belly ache and my toes tremble with glee...

I've regained my ability to crap...

It's not that i can't be bothered but i've learnt to take things in stride. The key is to do my best so that i leave no room for regrets. After which, i can only go with the flow and let fate takes me to wherever i belong.

I'm crazily in love with myself. Narcisistic yea... Must be the hormones...

Oh Crap!!

Oh Oh Oh!! My biological system is in turmoil... Topsy Turvy... I'm having my period again! SHit! The unfortunate friend had just visited me two weeks ago and now it's back...

My back is aching and i'm cramping like hell... Feel like dying... And to my horrors, i don't have the wonderful pink pills at home. Cramping cramping cramping...

My biological system is mootoodly wrecked... How?? I'm worried whether it'll affect my fertility in future. I really want to live up to the government's expectations and procreate to boost the dearth of babies in Singapore. Since my biological system is in a confused state, can i still fulfill the govt's wish??

Oh hell... why on earth am i talking about this?? This is going to be a pointless brainless senseless entry ever...

Looking on the bright side, at least i'm confirmed that i'm not pregnant. Period explains the emotional outbursts i had last week and not because i was expecting...

Time to eliminate the suspects, ignore the pain/cramps and jiayou!! study...

Finally, i can wake up and give a genuine smile that radiates from within. No half-hearted, constipated, tired smile... No wonder people always say that they seek solace from their homes. There goes the saying 'there's no place like home'.

Actually, i had planned to stay back in hall till Saturday to complete my term essay and of course to have more time alone for self reflection. Mum smsed me saying that we'll be going for supper and to come home instead. Guess they were worried i would end up emoing alone in hall and no one would be there by my side to support me.

The moment i reached home, i had a counselling session. I've gained enlightenment. Glad to clear the preoccupations in me. Now i can finally sleep in peace.... Hmm... i always sleep in peace... Not a good example. Finally i am able to gain back my sense of humour.

Sorry for acting like a water fountain last week. Sorry for making friends and loved ones worried. Thinking back, i was acting like a sully, lethargic, exhausted, moody, bad-tempered, frustrated bitch last week. Freaking stressed up.

Even though i'm still stressed but the stress level has been shrank to a minimal level. I'm still physically and mentally tired... But at least i'm able to smile. :) Things aren't looking great now, yet, i can see humour in other things. AND, i don't have to hide my emotions anymore. It's tough trying to pretend everything's ok and hide from own's frustrations from others...

Rainbow signifies

optimism and happiness
My grey clouds are finally gone...

By hook or by crook, i'm going to pull through. I don't care whether my results sucks or what. As long as i do my best and i'm happy. I'm not going to bow down to the pressure and freaking mootood system. I want to be the happy care-free retard!

Finally, i've finally came out of the hole i had dug for myself.

Guess it's up to your own to climb out the shithole.

I'm shit-free.

Yay!